Hey! Sean Penn! You've been keeping kind of a low profile lately, haven't you? In fact, I'm not sure that I've seen much of you since you tried to rescue those people during Hurricane Katrina. You remember that, don't you? You were on television, and I think you were wearing a flak jacket? It was white? And your boat, you had all these people in it - photographers, reporters, whatever - sprung a leak and then the next day in all the papers there was that picture of you trying to bail it out with a plastic cup? It was kind of funny. You didn't laugh; of course, you never laugh at anyone's jokes, so I kinda thought the world was ending when I heard what had to be a joke. I mean, Ann Coulter is really annoying, but a Voodoo doll? Page Six tells me that you bought a plastic Ann Coulter doll and you use it to take out your aggression? I know, I know, Ann Coulter is insane and her very being is like nails on a chalkboard (my whole body vibrates) but: "'We violate her,' the ornery actor told The New Yorker about his mini-Coulter. 'There are cigarette burns in some funny places.'" Dude.



There have been a series of rumors flying around since Isaac Hayes announced that he was leaving South Park (did you see the episode where he dies? Comedy Central has only re-run it about 136,392,857,352,986 times). Proving that Scientology really is the creepiest of all religions, Hayes announced his departure from the show because of "creative differences" stemming from the episode in which Tom Cruise, John Travolta and R. Kelly lock themselves in the character Stan's closet, while Stan is touted as the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. After a couple of weeks of hypocrisy-bashing, a news story emerged from FoxNews.com that Hayes had not actually issued the statement announcing he quit, and that his Scientology mentor was made the decision.

The story claimed Hayes had been hospitalized in January not for exhaustion, as his publicist had said, but because of a stroke. The source said that Hayes was still at home resting and recovering from the stroke and that he was "in no shape" to quit the show. Well, today EOnline.com reported that "The press release did come from him,' [Amy] Harnell [of Isaac Hayes Entertainment] said. 'He is the one who decided to leave South Park.'" Personally, I was hoping the Scientologist-interference rumor was true. Oh, Isaac, it's so sad to see you go.