This might be the comeback of the century. Michael Jackson, who has been lurking in Bahrain since he was acquitted of sexually molesting a young boy, has now fallen on hard times. His Neverland ranch has closed because he is financially unable to support its staff, and rumors abound on the extent of his debt. In fact, some have speculated his move was financially motivated (read: he's running from his huge debts). While Paul McCartney eagerly awaits his chance to buy back the portion of The Beatles catalog which Jackson owns, the fallen King of Pop is attempting a different tactic to put him back in the black: He's going to collaborate with 50 Cent.In the ever-trustworthy News of the World (Britain's equivalent of Weekly World News), an unnamed source told a reporter: "The track would catapult Michael back into the limelight which he is desperate for, and 50 has always been a fan." I would normally insert some snarky comment here with a vivid image of how ridiculous a Jackson/50 collaboration would look, but every time I try to come up with something my head feels like it might explode.





Britney, Britney, Britney, what have you done to your life? It feels like only weeks ago you were an obnoxious, over-sexual, questionably-talented pop sensation who, despite being incredibly irritating, seemed to possess some kind of standard of quality. Now look at you! You married a man who looks like a rodent and raps worse than Vanilla Ice, got yourself knocked up and produced a Federspawn and saw your career grind to a halt as soon as your belly started to swell. We know how much you hate your husband and how much of a mistake you're now realizing you've made. Now it's your turn to win back our hearts and minds (and maybe our wallets?), and I think you should be wishin' you had gotten yourself a better agent about now. What do you think launching Chaotic 2 will do for you? No one watched your first terrible reality show (buy a tripod, or better yet turn off the camera!), so why, do you think we'll tune in now that you're a boring mom? No one wants to watch you nurture, Britney; they want to watch you strip. Get to the gym already and schedule yourself a boob lift, Britney, because you need to get back into those tiny outfits before a network executive can say "canceled.