Sometimes reading the gossip rags can be a tiresome, annoying affair, filled with endless pages of style praise for the ultra-rich-useless-party-girl circuit. Sometimes you have to make do with idiotic comments from over-hyped has-beens like Jessica Simpson. But sometimes, just sometimes, a nugget of gold falls out of the sky and hits you smack on your head, and instead of hurting it feels wonderful. This is one of those weeks because, ladies and gentlemen, Paris Hilton has herpes.Well, for purposes of journalistic integrity and my own tiny amount of personal wealth, I'll amend that to say Paris allegedly has herpes. Here's the catch: Everyone's favorite partying heiress has been locked in litigation with party promoter Brian Quintana, who has filed for (and has now been granted) a restraining order against Her Richness that requires Hilton to stay 100 feet away from him at all times (unless they're attending the same party, in which case she must remain 25 feet away). The judge granted Quintana the restraining order last Monday, which was when the case's most delicious detail leaked. According to Quintana, his relationship with Paris soured after he told her boyfriend, 19-year-old Giant Green shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, that Paris had the herp.

Quintana claims he told Niarchos at a party because he was concerned the young man wasn't using proper protection-EOnline.com reported that he said, "I wanted him to be aware of it, that she had herpes. To make sure he didn't catch anything. He informed me that he was [aware]." At this point Miss Hilton came over in a rage, and proceeded to threaten Quintana by saying, "This is between the three of us; if this gets out, you're a f***-ing dead man." Furthermore, Quintana alleged that the heiress started making threatening phone calls to him, eventually resulting in the petition for a restraining order against her.

Mr. Quintana can rest safe now that the restraining order is in place, but the rest of us might have to be on the lookout for a rampaging heiress with some nasty sores around her mouth and... well, I won't go there. It feels so nice, though, to have official confirmation of what we've all suspected for so long: Paris Hilton is a dirty, skanky, useless ho. Ahhh.