Farewell, farewell, dear Oprah! How your sweeping judgments will be missed. How your endorsements will forever lose their impact. How your penetrating glances will cease to linger as you mutter something revelatory-ah, what was it? "Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." Yes, Oprah, how right you are! You've interviewed the stars and the world leaders. You've catapulted worthy professionals who know how to give it straight. Without you, Dr. Phil would just be a silly Southern man with no credentials. Thank you, Oprah, for now he is a syndicated silly Southern man with no credentials.

Who knows, without your program, Tom Cruise's "America's Sweetheart" status may have remained; "The Secret" may have been kept (you know what secret I'm talking about, the one about how useful it is to do something-or-other).

Because of your book club, people all over the country recognized Anna Karenina as a must-read. "When will Lifetime air this?" many a woman asked, coffee cup in hand, sitting at the kitchen table. "I know!" another responded, adding "But they have to cut out all that manual labor if they want it to be successful."

Matt Damon nearly choked up when faced with the news-"I still have to digest it," he offered.

Where will we go? Who will we be? Who will decide? How will I know I am wearing the right bra size? Who knows?! Not Oprah. Not anymore.

The season after next will be your last, you've proclaimed. And at the end of that fateful year, millions will suffer a disorder they assumed would only last to the end of daylight saving time-Seasonal Affective Disorder. It will make a resurgence with the knowledge that the lights on your show will go down forever. In fact, will the clocks be pushed back at all if Oprah will not be on the air? Many may wonder, and as a result will further sink into their SAD depression.

Perhaps as a parting gift, your absence-induced illness will sweep the world and counter the dreaded Swine, freeing humanity of the effects of a bad flu. This must be your plan! How quasi self-sacrificing! How self-important. How Oprah.