I have been known to write about and comment on the most important of topics. Whether the current issue is the war on terror or Social Security, Brandeis students know they'll hear my voice in the debate. But no issue has been more heart-wrenching, personally upsetting and imperative for the future of our country than this:Ladies and gentlemen, do you wear Uggs? And if you are tacky enough to wear sheepskin boots, do you wear them with socks?

Brandeis' cafeteria workers have been pleading for more air fresheners. Its students have had to suffer their friends being sucked in by this latest fashion craze. President Bush has called all those who wear Uggs without socks as the fourth branch of the Axis of Evil, and rightly so. The phenomenon of Uggs has come full circle, and like a bad addiction, it must be stopped!

Where do I get the right to criticize fashion? After all, people may point out that my mother used to dress me when I was younger (and still does). And they might also point to the fact that I, too, wear these strangely comfortable shoes.

First off, mine are slippers, which are far more stylish than those behemoth boots. But more than anything else, I wear my Uggs to show respect for my parents, who got me a pair for Hanukkah. Some might say that this is a cop-out. Nonsense! It's perfectly consistent with the fifth commandment! They might be extremely comfortable and soft and sweet (which, by the way, are the qualities I look for in a woman), but even so, I have to suffer looking absolutely dreadful. It shows how much I truly honor my mother and father.

Donning my professional "Fashion Consultant" lab coat, I investigated how those with Uggs and those without Uggs behaved. As I expected, Uggs-wearers were more aggressive and tended to physically harm their non-Uggs-wearing opponents. My fellow style guru, Joan Rivers, agreed that Uggs-wearers tend to believe that they are beautiful and love seeing their pictures splayed around campus. Deductively, it was no surprise to us then to find that University President Jehuda Reinharz owns several pairs. Hopefully, Reinharz will enthusiastically cut Uggs out of his life, much in the same way he and his cohorts are enthusiastically cutting University programs.

But to get to the root of the problem, we need to investigate history. Who wore the first Uggs? Vikings. How did that turn out? Not so well. They plundered, pillaged and wore a medieval predecessor of Uggs.
But worst of all are the Uggs wearers who wear them without socks. Are they trying to impress us? Are they trying to make us think they have more machismo?

"Yes. Why, I don't wear socks with my Uggs. I also love walking on hot burning coals."

People who wear their Uggs without socks have lower grade-point averages, tend to be as humorless as this article and have a grave intolerance of people who do wear socks with their Uggs.
Those who wear Uggs with socks think that their friends in the Viking community are just misguided.

But then again, what is the point of this argument? After all, anyone who wears Uggs is in need of a serious fashion adjustment.
One last point: If you took this column seriously, then you are out of your mind; or, in other words, you wear Uggs.