As we celebrate Thanksgiving this week, we can recognize that this world is hypocritical, led by morons and pretty much doomed, but let's at least acknowledge these harsh realities over some cranberry sauce. We will be with family, so it's important to discuss the absurdity of the world in nice, polite terms. Instead of calling people evil, insane or stupid, it is much more civil to call them "turkey." There were many turkeys this year-people who said or did idiotic things. Where to begin?Well, we can start with the man who gobbles constantly during his show. Bill O'Reilly, Fox News' loudmouth who fights for moral values in society, was definitely one of this year's biggest turkeys. O'Reilly was sued by a former worker for sexual harassment after allegedly telling her to use a vibrator and talking about his sexual fantasies of her while on the phone.

However, in his public life, O'Reilly is quite different. On his show, he has condemned Pepsi for hiring rapper Ludicrous, he constantly shuns Hollywood's explicitness and fights for return to morality and discipline in the nation's schools. Ironically, the harassment story came out with the arrival of his new children's book. Bad timing, Bill.

The situation further erupted with mudslinging from both sides. Andrea Mackris, the woman who filed the lawsuit, was quite angry, but her father was even more peeved. Mackris said of her father, If he had his way, he'd challenge Bill O'Reilly to a duel."

And how appropriate! In 2004, 200 years after the famous battle between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr, duels have been on everyone's mind. Senator Zell Miller made a bold and ridiculous challenge to Chris Matthews at the RepublicanNational Convention, stating that he wished "we lived in the day where you could challenge a person to a duel." Miller, who appeared at his enemy's convention and screamed hysterically about how his democratic friends are pussycats on terrorism, was a turkey this year.

Did I mention uncontrollable screaming? Have we mentioned Howard Dean? His poultry (ordered from the Internet) was a juicy bird with "presidential candidate" written all over it before he choked with the unraveling of an unprecedented campaign all in a few short weeks. He went from front-runner and possible president to laughing stock and definite turkey.

Turkeys are not limited to the world outside of Waltham, Mass. On the Brandeis campus, Dean of Arts and Sciences Adam Jaffe is this year's che non pensa, which is Italian for turkey, infuriating the student body with his proposal to cut down the Classics department. Though his proposal may be justified and necessary, Jaffe has struck fear into the hearts of every student who shows interest in linguistics, anthropology and other, smaller departments.

Of course, stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Lindsay Lohan deserves two turkeys for 2004 for her shape and size, considering it looks like she stuffed two turkeys in her chest. She has gone through the routine of every teenage pop star, from nice girl to a woman of ill repute. She made quite a bit of dinero this year, but I lost a lot of respect for her.

However, although she may be synthetically enhanced, Lohan wasn't caught lip-synching, Oe la Ashlee Simpson. The younger sister of Jessica Simpson (who continues to milk her idiocy for millions), Ashlee just started doing a hoe-down when the wrong audio track was played behind her during SNL. Just like she was back on the farm!

Alex Rodriguez gets a turkey leg; he earned his meal by slapping Bronson Arroyo in game six of the American League Championship Series. A-Rod trotted down the line and pecked at the ball like the turkey's distant relative, the chicken.

Lastly, though the National Football League never seems to do anything wrong, it made a bone-headed move in forcing Jake Plummer to take a Pat Tillman commemorative sticker off his helmet. The NFL had mandated wearing the sticker during week two, but when Plummer wanted to continue wearing it for the rest of the season, the NFL fined him. Come on, National Turkey League.

Speaking of Pat Tillman, we should remember that, for all the turkeys in the national spotlight, there are many courageous humans who will not be with their families at the Thanksgiving table this year. For all of the turkeys in the world, let's remember all those who are fighting for the right reasons and not for a partisan battle. One more thing: Uncle Robert, if you take the dark meat, we're having a duel.