JUSTIN BIEBER SET HIS MOM'S HAIR ON FIRE.Okay, so it wasn't nearly as exciting and ridiculous as I just made it seem. Justin surprised his mother on her birthday by bringing her up onto the stage at the end of his concert at Berlin's O2 World Arena and bringing out a lit birthday cake. When she leaned over to blow out the candles, her hair caught fire. No wigs were harmed, and the fire was put out quickly and efficiently (though I like to imagine there was full-blown panic and rioting).

Sadly, aside from the Bieber Hair Incident (can you imagine the fangirl panic that would ensue if it were Justin's hair that had caught fire? The humanity!), this past week has been fairly dull in celebrity world. There have been a slew of baby announcements: Tina Fey announced that she's 5 months pregnant, Law and Order: SVU star Mariska Hargitay adopted a baby girl (I've seen the pictures; she's a cutie), Kevin Federline announced that his new girlfriend is pregnant (but she's not Britney, so no one cares all that much) and Mariah Carey showed off pictures of her bare baby bump on the cover of Life & Style magazine.

In this week's overblown celebrity scandal, Natalie Portman told Entertainment Weekly that back in her college days, she used to "love smoking pot," but that drug use no longer fits into her daily life. "I love stoner comedies. I smoked weed in college, but I haven't smoked in years," she explained. "I'm too old. I wish I was that cool, but I'm like an old lady now. I'm in bed by 10 p.m. I can't do that anymore." Portman's confession (if you even want to call it that) was met by two outraged sides, both on EW's homepage and on gossip blog OhNoTheyDidn't: the hyper-conservative parents claiming that Natalie will be an unfit parent because of her past "habits," and the offended college students sounding off that going to bed at 10 p.m. certainly doesn't mean one is "uncool" (it totally doesn't).

On Wednesday, Motion Picture Association of America Vice President Michael O'Leary declared that movie piracy is "downright unpatriotic." He said, "The key foundation of American industry, the expectation that hard work and innovation is rewarded, is imperiled when thieves, whether online or in the street, are allowed to steal America's creative products and enrich themselves along the way." College students everywhere nodded obediently and returned to their torrenting.

Lame stuff this week, kids. Here's hoping that next week will bring us another Charlie Sheen blowout.