The Video Music Awards continue to lower our expectations with each coming year. This year, we were treated to host Russell Brand, a lesser-known English trash-talker. Kicking off with what was surely the most political monologue of the award show's history, Brand pleaded for the audience to vote for Obama while scolding America for electing "that retarded cowboy fellow." For anyone who didn't see it, the humorless, shout-happy series of awkward statements unfolded like a Sarah Silverman performance, minus the funny.

That however, was not Brand's finest hour, which was actually the two remaining hours spent harping on the promise rings worn by the Jonas Brothers. Each time the man was given an opportunity to speak, he took a jab, the insults growing worse each time.

It was no surprise then that the audience erupted in loud cheers when Jordin Sparks decided to break from her speech and defend her own promise ring, declaring, "Not everybody wants to be a slut." Overgeneralization? Surely. Deserved? Absolutely.

As for the performances, most were sub-par. Some even bombed, namely Katy "Ur So Gay" Perry and her hideously bland rendition of "Like a Virgin." I have just one question to ask you, Ms. Perry: Is that a banana on your shoulder, or are you just completely untalented?

The rocker chicks generally fared better than the other performances: Paramore were true to form with "Misery Business," while Pink pulled out a rather fierce rendition of her snotty kiss-off track, "So What?" with the help of pyrotechnics and breakaway glass.

I'll even award some modest golf claps to Christina Aguilera for fitting that pinup-friendly bosom into a form-fitting, futuristic PVC outfit (rather "Toxic") while performing an electro-tinged rendition of her classic "Genie In A Bottle" along with her new single "Keeps Getting Better."

One of the most genuine moments came when German poprockers Tokio Hotel scored a miraculous win over competition that included Miley Cyrus. As the band members sputtered out their acceptance speech in broken English, few could help but coo at their adorable bout of breathless gratitude.

However, as we all know, this night was truly about my queen, my dearly damaged damsel, Miss Britney Spears. Didn't she look stunning? While she didn't perform, she never had to; Britney Spears makes the VMAs. She smiled and looked pretty, walking away with her first, second and third Moon Man of her career. After all, this year's show will be remembered for nothing except for the moment when Britney finally brought her sexy back.