Ladies and gentleman, a story of the utmost urgency has just hit the Arts news desk. On Monday morning, reality TV power couple Spencer Pratt and his fiancé, Heidi Montag, in an act of unparalleled heroism, extinguished one of the vicious brush fires currently ravaging the California landscape in their front yard.When the fire broke out, the couple grabbed their trusty garden hose and proceeded to fight the vile blaze until the firemen arrived.

An exhausted but triumphant Montag told reporters, "Spencer was literally down there putting out the fire."

Spencer, still holding an unknown child under each arm, praised the efficiency of the local fire department. "They were fast," he shouted at one reporter with unnecessary volume. Talking to professional loser Ryan Seacrest on his radio show later that morning, Pratt reassured America of its safety, declaring, "The fire is out now," also with an unnecessary amount of volume.

So, they put out a fire, good for them. Maybe they should continue to fight brush fires all across the state, or in Greece, or wherever is very far away from us and/or a TV camera. Have fun. Don't touch the fire. Fire hot.

In other news, I continued to laugh hysterically Monday when I saw a photo of Britney Spears post-lip-job. Seriously, go to a computer right now and look it up. Her mouth looks like two little wiener sausages stacked upon one another. Just wanted to throw that in there. Oh, I suppose anyone still following her life story in this publication would be interested to know that she regained visitation rights with her two boys. What a shame; I'm sure they were having so much fun at the bottom of K-Fed's pool. One final note: I will give my lung to the person who gets a video of her children running in terror from the creature they call Wiener Face.

That said, this will hopefully be the last time I have to write about Britney in this publication. I am sick of it. I hate writing her name. I feel like a broken record. Let's just let her be. Maybe then she'll sort her life out and go away. If a washed up pop star OD's in her house, and there's no one there to film it, does anyone care?