Does David Letterman have an audience anymore? I certainly hope not. Call me cold hearted, but I don't know or care what Buttafuco is. Just thought I'd state that. Anyway, the staple of pseudo-comedy added another notch on his well-worn belt Friday night when he welcomed everyone's favorite pseudo-media baby and pop culture favorite (read: abomination), Paris Hilton (God, I hate writing her name).In what was perhaps a misguided attempt to spark an intelligent debate with the hotel heiress over the politics of a decaying American penal system, Letterman peppered Paris with a barrage of hard-hitting questions regarding her own whopping 22-day jail sentence. (Videos of her vicious prison beatings have yet to surface, sadly.)

Letterman mercilessly tore into his poor guest, begging the question, "Uh, how'd you like being in jail?" To which she retorted, "Not too much." Fascinating. When Letterman refused to let up, Paris declared that she was "sad that I came here." Letterman apologized by offering to buy her a parakeet (some kind of prison lingo?). It's a shame that the debate never really took off. It could have changed America.

Now, as long as we're harping on the pain of brain dead celebrities, let's drag our slop buckets over to Britney Spears' corner of the ring. Believe it or not, the innocent school-girl who stole our hearts with her fuzzy pigtails and tiny plaid skirt (and asked us to hit her over and over, I might add) has just lost custody of her kids. Both of them!

On Monday, California Judge Scott Gordon declared that Spears must hand over custody of her two boys, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, to her ex-husband Kevin Federline (who already has a five-year-old daughter, Kori Madison, with actress Shar Jackson). Spears had shared custody with their children since their 2006 divorce. The judge cited her "habitual, frequent and continuous" use of alcohol (or was it her "performance" at that award show that no one watches anymore?) as evidence. Apparently, one mentally invalid, drug-abusing, fast-fading celebrity is as good as another. Judge, King Solomon doesn't have squat on you.