In a sick twist of irony, I found myself dressed as none other than Britney Spears (wow, that was fast) this past weekend at a Halloween party. According to numerous eyewitness accounts given very loudly to my face, I made a beautiful hooker. In other, less important news, the pillar of "red-neck"comedy (read: asinine stereotypes about hicks that are neither funny nor effective at healing the still gaping wounds of the Civil War) Larry the Cable Guy has become a father once again. As if there weren't already enough icky leaves, ciggarette butts, band-aids and dead squirrels in the human gene pool, Larry (real name, Dan Whitney) and his wife Cara dumped in a bucket of horse doody when they brought their daughter Reagan into the world on Monday morning. Reflecting on the challenges of raising a girl (he already has a son), Whitney told reporters, "I'm just hoping Skoal comes out with a strawberry and cream dip!" Watch out Dr. Spock!

In other news, California's celebrity residents continue to dodge the blazes whipping across the state, much to the chagrin of haters and cannibals hungry for BBQ. In one example, aging symbol of American excess, shallowness and poor taste, Pamela Anderson fled to the equally pleasant city of Las Vegas to ride out the storm with her two children. Anderson told reporters, "We avoided the fires and stayed here and played together out of the smoke." Not since Pompeii has such a harrowing tale of survival been told.

Speaking of potential atrocities, as if the poor citizens of Rwanda didn't have it bad enough, they are now expecting a visit from none other than Paris Hilton and the American media plague. Though the trip was originally slated for November, it was postponed until 2008. Hilton claims that her charity is still "restructuring and figuring things out." Although the people of Rwanda fear the coming of "the great American dictator and her thirst for blood," Hilton has assured reporters that her intentions are honorable. Grinning wildly and wearing a necklace of human ears, she told reporters, "I know [Rwanda] went through a lot of traumatic experiences, and I feel like if I go there, I can help." The heiress didn't specify exactly how exactly she plans to "help," but all sources predict a new dawn for Rwanda.