The past week has been very difficult for me. On the same week that random Communists called Bush a "mass murderer" and a Justice columnist wrote a piece bafflingly entitled "Wearing my cousin's blood on my hands," a select group of people made it very clear that they did not appreciate my most recent column.I mocked the Orientation Leaders though I am a loser and joked about the freshman girls though I have no love life. I also lack a certain... what shall we call it?.... oh yes, a mastery of social skills.

The day after my "controversial" article was published, the senior girls decided to burn an effigy of me and the Orientation Leaders protested in front of my dorm room, while at the same time, perkily welcoming new freshmen with hugs, kisses, and early Valentine's Day cards.

(PC Alert: This didn't actually happen. For those people who think I am serious, I am not.)

If I offended some of you with my article, good. That means I'm doing my job. We're at college. Everyone has an opinion on everything, and if you took me seriously, the laugh is on you.

Also, as hard as it is to believe, I love Brandeis. (Tears.) And all I wanted for Hanukkah was for all of you to love me. Let's be extra peppy, just like our beloved OLs! Please?

WATCH THE FRESHMEN GET LOST, HA HA HA.

The desperate look on freshmen faces searching for classes is a pretty normal sight. Some would be compelled to help these new ones who are not so adept in Brandeisian ways.

Instead, I stared in glee and settled in my cozy and relaxing lawnchair, sipping lemonade, sunglasses on, all set to watch for the funniest piece of comedy I have seen in a long time. Why help people when you can get a good laugh in the process?

Imagine the scene: a geeky boy with a ton of books in his hands, glasses on, sweating, worrying about getting to class on time, his mom on the other line yelling about whether he changed his underwear that morning. And people call me a selfish jerk!

IF ONLY I COULD BLAME JEHUDA FOR STUFF.

This week, the Communist Party of America spread misinformation on the campus, blaming President George W. Bush for his response to the Hurricane disaster in New Orleans. While I think it is perfectly fair to attack the administration for some of its reaction to the situation, most people would probably agree that to call Bush a "mass murderer" and a "racist using modern-day slave ships," who purposefully trapped thousands of people in their homes, is not really reasonable.

Instead, I have decided to blame someone a little closer to home for my problems. That's right, Jehuda, you are to blame for all my woes. I blame Jehuda Reinharz for these incidents:

The time I got picked on in fifth grade for wearing a pink shirt to school.

Not having a life and therefore having nothing better to do than write about my social awkwardness in the Justice all the time.

My lacking love life.

The time I peed on the school room floor in my second grade class because I was too afraid to use the bathroom.

Every major disaster since the inception of Man.

MY MOM IS THE ONLY ONE WHO LOVES ME.

"Hoishal! This is your mother speaking. I hear people don't like my Hoishal. I have to admit, you were an idiot to write that. You know how sensitive people are. But, I still love you. Shouldn't that be enough?" If it only it were, Mom, if it only it were.