After waking up from a two-week, drink-induced Brandeis coma, our columnist realizes that quite a bit has changed in his absence. The year is ending, people are exposing skin who shouldn't be and the world is getting ready for Pope Herschel I. I'M RUNNING FOR POPE NEXT

I feel like I am the modern version of Rip Van Winkle. I declared the last two weeks full of Brandeis Sundays and Brandeis Saturdays, so I have been locked up in my room and drinking to pass the time. I just found out today that so many things happened during that time.

Pope John Paul II died. President Bush is still in office. I was elected senator for the class of 2007. When did all of this happen? And why did the class of 2007 really elect me to be its senator? First off, without commenting on my constituents in a derogatory matter, they are real idiots for electing a moron like me, who feels that the best way to attract girls is to use the Justice as a mouthpiece to discuss my desperation for a girlfriend.

This teaches all of us an inspiring lesson. If you want to get things done at Brandeis, do not skip classes and drink for two weeks. Otherwise, you might get stuck with a menial job like Union senator, rather than the job everyone wants.

Why should I be a lowly student senator when I could be something bigger and something greater? That's right! I really am shooting for that higher position: the papacy. I think I would be a great supreme pontiff. That whole religious thing might be a problem, but isn't it about time to look past our religious differences?

If my mother says I am the greatest gift to this earth that should be enough. To Pope Herschel I!

PROFESSORS ARE TEACHING US?

Now that the semester is ending, we are all a little more irritable, a little busier and much less inclined to be happy. Of course, I am never busy, irritable or unhappy at Brandeis, because of my constant intake of prescription drugs given to me by my psychiatrist.

But what probably still annoys me the most on the days that I forget to take my medication-and as a result forget that I cannot stalk my ex-girlfriend anymore-is those pesky professors who realize two weeks before the semester is over that they actually have to teach us something.

I wonder why we even bother going to school for the 10 days that we do every semester. Why don't we just all go to Brandeis for 24 hours and have a 24-hour fiesta where we get everything in one big day? Start the day off with a party, drink until noon, hang out until three, take a nap until 9 p.m. and then at 10 p.m., just after our hangovers subside, the professors of your four classes will finally realize they need to teach something. After four days of this schedule, I would get a degree which, I'm sure, would be a lot more fun than dragging this thing out for four whole years.

KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON, PLEASE

It's springtime again, and the people who should never ever show anything above their knees will show it now.

Don't get me wrong. There are some great advantages to warmer weather. The beautiful women of Brandeis University wear clothes that accentuate certain parts of their body that everyone enjoys. But there are people on campus who accentuate certain parts of their body that no one could possibly enjoy.

Just imagine Jehuda Reinharz playing basketball in his short shorts with his shirt off. Or me wearing my new-style skirt with summer Uggs, and a fancy tank top.

So, my friends, while we enjoy the beauties of spring and watch our University look good for the first time this year because we have guests, do not forget that the dangers of spring are upon us. After all, it is such a danger that I am almost glad that we are freezing ourselves the other nine days we go to school.

MAYBE I'LL MISS 'DEIS ... NEVER.

No week can go without mentioning what everything in my life comes down to: my dear mother. Responding to the ending of the semester, my mother got so excited that she told me, "Oh, my gosh, Hoishal! You are gonna be home soon! Soon you will be in my arms, where you belong! I remember that when you were born you were a good kid, but now, you need more love than ever."

I think it might be the first time that I say this, but if my mother has prepared for me what I think she has prepared for me, then I am going to really miss Brandeis. I am going to miss it so much that I might actually start appreciating it. Will I ever get that desperate? Please. Never.