Who can Brandeis boys blame for our woes with women?Our mothers.

You heard me right. We Brandeis men have a problem dealing with any women who are not our mothers. That is because anytime we approach a potential love interest, we expect her to be as judgmental, picky and nervous as our own mothers, therefore rendering our already awkward selves even more inept.

With Purim approaching, many of us men will disguise our faces in beautiful Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt masks to appeal to Brandeis females. (If I got Penelope Cruz this Purim, I would certainly be happy.) But our awkwardness cannot be veiled with a simple mask, so approaching women in the first place is another story.

And here's why: Our parents-our mothers more specifically-determined during our childhoods how much self-confidence we would have today. I know, for example, that when I talk to a beautiful girl who I'm incredibly interested in, I immediately lose my cool. I start convulsing, my hands sweat, and weird thoughts pop into my head.

"Hoishal! This is your mother speaking! What the heck are you doing with that girl? She's ugly!"

The girl looks at me and says, "Herschel, are you okay?"

My mother's voice continues, "Come here baby. Come hug your mother. You don't need girls like that in your life."

By the time she shuts up and I'm screaming at the nagging voice inside my head, the girl is long gone.

Those of us who grew up in a typical Jewish setting all remember times when our parents dressed us up in cute, black bow-ties, made us take pictures in the bathtub, and forced us to endure the usual nagging and annoyances.

"Don't eat so many cookies!" our mothers said. "You will get fat! But why won't you eat the cake that I made for you?

"Don't you love me?"

Break off your chains! Men of the world, unite! I propose the creation of a new How to Deal with Women Department, in which every class requires a showing of Hitch. Guest lecturers could include former President Bill Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck and, of course, Shula Reinharz, who will speak of how our beautiful and suave University President wooed her.

Jewish mothers would be invited to speak at a conference on "Why Your Mother Just Wants You To Give Her Grandchildren." The department would completely overhaul men's confidence on this campus.

But alas, there's still bad news for you men. If you do not like the type of women who dominate this campus, you may have to enjoy the lonely life for four years. So gentlemen, pull out that half gallon of ice cream, a box of Fig Newtons and some hip-widening chocolates!

In the end, if we cannot get Brandeis women, then let's get in touch with our feminine sides by watching sappy romance films. We momma's boys always get the last laugh!