Dear California,Hey. Sorry I haven't returned your calls or e-mails. I've just been really busy. Wait, no - the last thing either of us needs at this point is more lies. I haven't been busy. I've been lounging around watching reruns of "Blind Date" for about a week now. My eyes hurt.

The fact is California, I'm mad at you. I probably should have been more mature about this and told you sooner, but better late than never, I suppose.

Let me backtrack a step before I go any further.

I like you, California. A lot. First off, you're beautiful. From the wonders of Redwood National Park in the north to the rugged coastline to the foreboding, lunar landscape of Death Valley, I simply can't take my eyes off of you. You're hot. You got it going on, girl.

And besides , you have something a lot of states I've been with (I'm looking your way, Wyoming) don't have: Personality. Every gay sporting goods store, every waitress cum actress cum screenwriter cum panhandler, every stoned Venice Beach surfer trying to make a phone call from a vending machine - they all contribute to the unique blend of sanity and insanity that makes you, you.

I could go on forever, Cali. All in all, you're amazing. That being said, sometimes you do things that just baffle me. Let's be honest here, I've cut you a lot of slack over the years. You didn't see me walk out the door when you decided to build a city of almost 10 million in an uninhabitable desert, or when you brought "Biodome" into the world, but what you're doing now - well, I just can't sit here while you play craps with your own future.

Don't give me that, California. You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Arnold.

He's no good. First of all, nothing I have seen in my 19-plus years better defined the old cliche "style over substance" like Schwarzenegger's campaign. There were plenty of rallies and plenty of meaningless quotes spun from his film work ("Gray Davis has terminated hope, he has terminated opportunity, he has terminated education and he has terminated jobs," Schwarzenegger said at one point, according to CNN.com. "Now it's time to terminate him."), but saying his campaign lacked actual content would be like saying Gray Davis has a tiny bit of trouble relating to other people. There was nothing there, California.
What was most frustrating, though, was his complete refusal to debate Gray Davis. I'll admit, I didn't pay much attention during Civics class in middle school, but isn't that exactly how democracy is not supposed to work? If you're trying to replace someone - especially through a ridiculous rule that lets you do so when Davis was reelected a mere 11 months ago - isn't it only fair to the voters that you give them a chance to see how you stack up to your opponent?

And yet Schwarzenegger refused. He insulted the intelligence of voters everywhere by only appearing in one Gray Davis-less debate, and one where the candidates got the questions beforehand and were allowed to interrupt each other (not exactly a "debate" in the strictest sense of the word). And you know what? He still sounded like a one-note movie star ("I just realized that I have a perfect part for you in 'Terminator 4,'" he told fellow candidate Arianna Huffington, as reported at KTVU.com), not the man to save California from its fiscal crisis.

Didn't this indicate something to you, California? The only debate he participated in was one where he could shout down his opponents as he pleased. He's a movie star, California, and all he's offered, or will offer, are movie star slogans.

And another thing, California: The groping. After the Los Angeles Times investigated past allegations of Schwarzenegger inappropriately touching women, his response according to CNN was, "I don't remember things that I've done or said 20 years ago. I don't remember things that I've done 30 years ago. And I said that many of the things that are in there are not true because that's not my behavior." He added, "And then other things may be true, and in case it is, that's why I said I want to apologize if I offended anyone, because that was not my intention."
I don't see flat-out any denial in there, California. I'm not saying every single one of the allegations was true, but it's pretty obvious that at least some of them were. If Schwarzenegger had never groped any of the women, why wouldn't he say so? It makes no sense to partially admit to something you never did. Now there were plenty of reasons to not vote for Schwarzenegger even if there had never been these allegations, but shouldn't this have clinched it?

I could go on and on, California, but what's the point? You elected him, and that's that. The man should be making "Terminator 4," not fiscal policy. He should be speaking out on evil cyborg prevention, not immigration. Schwarzenegger is simply not governor material.

So, give me a call when you've had your fill of your movie start governor. I'll be shacking up with Washington. Or maybe Colorado.