Although I saw "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" just last night, I needed to read several plot synopses online before I could even figure out what the movie was about; I don't think that the writers of these synopses understood it much better. From what I gathered, the movie was the final chapter of a Robert Rodriguez trilogy featuring El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas of "Mask of Zorro"). In this particular chapter, CIA agent Sands (Johnny Depp of "Pirates of the Carribean") enlists the help of El Mariachi in order to stop a plot by the drug lord Barillo (Willem Dafoe of "Spiderman") and General Marquez (Gerardo Vigil) to assassinate El Presidente (Pedro Armendariz Jr. of"El Crimen del padre Amaro"). El Mariachi, referred to as "El" in the movie, has his own motives for aiding Sands, since Marquez killed both his wife Carolina (Salma Hayek of "Frida") and his daughter. Beneath the convoluted plot of the movie lies one major recurring theme - retribution. Every evil character in the movie is punished in some graphically disgusting way. This includes just about everyone in the cast since the only character who can be considered somewhat moral is El Mariachi. Even Johnny Depp, the head of the attempt to save the President, is only taking part in order to steal the money that is meant for the assassins. But fear not- Johnny Depp gets his just dessert when his eyes are gauged out with a drill. And although Johnny Depp may be very attractive, even he can't pull off the bloody face without eyes look, especially when he removes his sunglasses.

The movie includes betrayals, deceptions, and surprises, with a little bit of humor on the side. There are so many plot twists that it is impossible to determine who is good and who is bad, who is lying and who is telling the truth. Depp's romantic interest, if she can even be considered such, later reveals herself as the daughter of Barillo and takes joy in kissing the eyeless Depp as she tries to shoot him. Both Depp's bodyguard and the second in command to El Presidente turn on their leaders, but of course these traitors are later murdered. Perhaps what is most fascinating is how many people are fatally shot and then brought back to life. Both El Mariachi and General Marquez are left lying on the ground in their own blood and somehow are later resurrected in perfect physical fitness. The humor of Depp and his one-eyed friend Belini (Cheech Marin of "Spy Kids") provides some laughs, until Depp shoots Belini and takes hidden money out of his eye socket, perhaps foreshadowing Depp's eventual fate. After Depp loses his eyes, his friend and partner in crime, former FBI Agent Jorge (R?ben Blades of "All the Pretty Horses") says, "See you later," but I didn't hear anyone in the theater laugh. By this point, I had actually seen many people walk out.

The unnecessary and relentless violence of "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" was what disturbed me the most. The film reduces human life to something that is inconsequential, illustrated by Depp's callous murder of a chef because his pork was too delicious. In an attempt to capture Barillo, who for some reason is undergoing immense plastic surgery, Depp's team murders dozens of doctors, resulting in splattered blood on the walls of the hospital. Then, the audience is fortunate enough to see the supposed face of Barillo (another plot twist)- a mess of blood and gore that is enough to make a person violently ill. I didn't think things could get worse than the eyeless Depp until several minutes later, when I saw a character get shot in the legs, his knees tearing apart and his legs basically breaking in half. Even writing about the violence of this movie makes me shudder. I am pretty sure that these images will haunt my dreams for some time.

If you're afraid that I've ruined the plot of this movie by saying too much, don't worry - it didn't have one. Perhaps Robert Rodriguez, the writer, director, editor, co-producer, photographer and composer spread himself too thin and simply didn't have enough time to think of a plot. But maybe I am being too mean. Rodriguez deserves some praise for his music, which I thought was beautiful at points. Also, there were a few scenes that were quite inventive, such as when Hayek and Banderas swing down a fire escape chained together by the wrists. Yet the redeeming qualities of the movie are extremely few and far between and are not good enough to compensate for the horror and the gore. Upon leaving the theater, I heard a group of girls complaining that this was the worst movie they ever saw in their lives. It definitely made it to my top ten list of terrible flicks. "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" may sound like a fairy tale from its title but in my mind it is a tale that never should have been told.