Hey Brandeis sports fans, I am here to lead you to the promised land during another year of sports news. As the "Straight Shooter," I would be remiss if I did not tell you what to expect in this year's collection of columns. As someone who likes to focus on major sports, the vast majority of my pieces will be devoted to Major League Baseball. I will also write a great many things that you may find offensive, and if you want me to apologize, I shall answer with this John C. Holmes quote: "Stick it all the way up your ass, yeah, that's it!" In his "Sabbath's Theater," Philip Roth wrote, "Any drunk can be a drunk, but it takes a certain special woman to cut the dick off of her husband." Those of you who have followed the Detroit Tigers thus far this season can grasp the essence of that quote. The front office in Detroit has gone a long way toward castrating its own team, and the results illustrate their failure.

The first and most important piece of the puzzle is that monument to misappropriation known as Comerica Park. For years, the Tiger management rallied for public funding of a new stadium in downtown Detriot, hoping a multi-million dollar facility would rejuvenate the entire area. Never mind the fact that several economic studies have shown that new stadiums create no net economic benefit, often causing major losses.

Flash forward to 2003. In its inaugural season, Comerica drew 2.4 million fans, which represented a 20 percent increase over the previous season and a 100 percent jump from the putrid Tiger attendance figures of the mid 90s. By 2002, though, attendance was back down to its previously low level, which means that the boost in attendance was an artificial spike. This season, Tiger attendance ranks 27th in the league. So the next time Bud Selig tells you that you need a new park to boost attendance, you can just go right ahead and spit in his face (or laugh, whichever works for you).

In this summer of 2003 that has featured cinema bombs "Gigli," "From Justin to Kelly" and Ruben Studdard, the biggest dud is in Detroit, and it isn't Michael Moore (who could also stand to lose some weight and gain some common decency). The Detroit Tigers, with their "lofty" 50 million dollar payroll are giving the 1916 Philadelphia A's a run for their money.

The players on Detroit can be grouped into three categories. There are veterans who qualify as an unbridled waste of payroll, youngsters who will likely improve in the future and youngsters who should consider a new line of employment. The Tigers, with one of the lowest payrolls in baseball, found a way to squeeze in as many players who fit the first description as possible.

Foremost on the list is one Damion Easley, who was given a five-year deal with an option for a sixth back in 2000. That contract was worth an estimated $31 million. Of course Easley was 30 when he signed the deal, meaning his best years were likely over. Furthermore, Easley was producing numbers that were barely above average. To give that sum of cash to a replaceable, over-the-hill infielder is the equivalent of using Benjamins to clean oneself in the loo.

Next up in the cavalcade of crap is Bobby Higginson, a player who spent his first few years with the team as a respectable, yet injury-prone outfielder. But he never hit more than 30 home runs, walked more than 80 times, slugged .550 or reached base 38 percent of the time. So when Higginson became eligible for free agency, what did the Tigers do? They gave him a four-year, $40 million contract, making him one of the highest paid corner outfielders in baseball.

Higginson proceeded to produce for one more season, before initiating a mixture of injuries and awful offense that made fans wish his contract were spent making a legitimate drama starring Kevin Costner, Steven Segal and Elizabeth "Showgirls" Berkley.

Tiger Dean Palmer used to be one of the best third basemen in the American League. Of course, "Friends" used to be funny and clever and Aerosmith used to rock. The problem is when you start to award contracts based on "used to's." The result is evident: Palmer, making $8.5 million, has the worst production of anyone in baseball with more than 80 trips to the plate this season.

Worse than giving money to has-beens is awarding money to the classic never-was, examples of which include Mike Mordecai, Desi Relaford and Chloe Sevigny. Examples of this creature inhabiting the Tiger bench include Shane Halter, a backup third baseman whose battle to hit his weight can be titled "The Eternal Struggle" and Matt Anderson, a reliever who can throw 99 miles an hour when his arm isn't missing a ligament or two.

Sorry I didn't get to the actual performance of the Tigers (32-98), readers. It is important that you see how much money is being squandered here. The reason the Tigers can't compete has nothing to do with the notoriously unbalanced MLB economic system. The Tigers actually won the World Series in 1984, and they've produced a number of Hall-of-Fame caliber performers. So don't bitch about competitive balance, my friends, bitch about Bud Selig. And bitch about Comerica Park, but most importantly, bitch about Shane friggin' Halter!

- Dan Passner '06 submits a column to the Justice.