I've spent days mulling over what to leave my faithful readers with after a year of controversial and, hopefully, amusing tales about the always entertaining world of sports. I considered discussing my Larry Bird Theory (in which I carefully explain how the Celtic legend's race has allowed his reputation to far exceed his actual ability). I also gave thought to possibly dazzling you with a few remarks about the NFL Draft. Neither, though, is truly worthy of my final opportunity to inspire and spite. So I've decided to leave a last will and testament to Brandeis, to Boston, and to you.To the Boston Celtics and their fans, I leave you reality. This year, much like previous seasons, has seen fans swept off their feet by something far worse than SARS: It's called Celtic Pride (and I'm not talking about the Daniel Stern/Dan Aykroyd flick). Sorry, but your C's will never win anything more than one or two Eastern conference series' with Antoine Walker on the floor.

Carmelo Anthony is often considered a baller with comparable skills, but at least the Syracuse product has a candy-licous name to go with his silky game (just call me EmiBashin). This brings me to another rant. Doesn't Jim O'Brien bear a disturbing resemblance to the team's emblem? Aren't you just waiting for him to ask, "Where's me Lucky Charms?" or scream "Magically Delicious!" Any time I see him pacing the sidelines, I often start talking with a Southie-inspired Irish accent and murmuring about potatoes, Guinness and hooligans.

To the Boston Bruins and their fans, I leave you hope. Hope that team management decides to finally throw in the towel. The Bruins are a team with both talent and youth. Somehow, though, year in and year out their General Manager (Mike O'Connell) is forced to send his best players packing elsewhere to cut salary. The result is a team without any hope of taking the next step and becoming a legitimate contender. Note to Mike: Never trade away quality goaltenders. Boston fans deserve a lot of (nasty fill-in-the-blank), but not when it comes to their hockey team.

To Red Sox nation, I leave you 1918. The next time one of you knuckleheads calls in to WEEI or a columnist in the Globe decides to forecast a Sox championship, I ask you to just remember 1918. The team has gone through Hall of Famers, famous errors, and world class pitchers and the Sox just never seem to get it right. The past four years have taught me many things about the state of Boston sports. First and foremost is that this town loves to make predictions. Nowhere else do people expect the Red Sox to finish anywhere higher than second in their own division. If only Dan Duquette had pursued Mike Mussina as opposed to Manny Ramirez, this team could actually expect to win come the arrival of fall. Pedro can't pitch every day, people!

To the New England Patriots, I leave you desire. The team has already miraculously won the area's first world championship in the Common Era. Immediately, trashy folks all over greater New England littered their cars by placing those annoying window flags to mark their mullets and wife beaters. This past season proved to be a harsh slap in the face by reality. The team returned to its underachieving roots and failed to make the playoffs. They made some nice moves in the off-season to address glaring needs in the secondary, but none that make them a championship-caliber club. Sorry, Mr. Kraft, but the team's glory days have come crumbling down. By the way, could you please have your Board of Trustees wife donate outdoor sport courts to the 'Deis.

To Boston College, I leave you a prayer. You better pray that Miami doesn't jump ship to the ACC. If you come over to a real conference that knows how to play both basketball and football, you may never again be on the tournament bubble. The conference basement is more fitting. And another thing, all of those crazed Eagles fans who cried wolf when BC was left out of the Big Dance need a wake-up call.

To Brandeis, I leave you hope for a better sports environment. When I came here, people never bothered to show up to basketball games. The radio station never promoted anything on campus and people didn't really follow baseball. Now, close to 500 people attend basketball games, the crowd gets involved and a die-hard fan base has even emerged (the Bran Fans). The gym is beginning to be recognized as more than just the site of Reggie Lewis' untimely death. Hopefully, Coach Ford's reputation will encourage some solid recruits to finally slide east of St. Louis and pass on perennial Division III power Washington University.

To my readers, I leave you my gratitude and thanks. Your feedback throughout the past year has helped me realize that someone actually reads these articles. I can only hope that your time here is not wasted. For I can look back on my past here and see that I made a difference.



- Brian Ashin '03 has submitted his final column to the Justice.