In the words of Jesse Richmond III, played by Ashton Kutcher in "Dude, Where's my Car?" "I do not want to go down in history as the man who destroyed the universe." Some, however, seem to take pleasure in behavior that is destructive, both to themselves, and to the team by whom they are gainfully employed.Submitted for your perusal, readers, is the case of one Dan O'Dowd, a man who, almost single-handedly, took a successful, profitable team and turned it into a pathetic laughingstock. He is a man who has made poor trade after poor trade and disastrous signing after disastrous signing.

First, allow me to reflect on the proud history of the Colorado Rockies. Playing their first season in 1993, the same year that brought us "Groundhog Day," "The Fugitive" and The Proclaimers, the Rockies became the first team ever to draw more than 4 million fans in a season. In 1995, the Rockies became the quickest expansion team ever to reach the playoffs, on the strength of Kevin Ritz, Eric Young and Steve Reed (Its okay if you don't know who these guys are -- I don't think they even know who they are.) Since then, the Rockies have been the epitome of mediocrity, just barely peeking above .500 once in the past five years.

So, where does O'Dowd enter into this equation of futility? Simple: He took over as general manager of the Rockies in September 1999. Since then, he has taken the large amounts of money Colorado has given him to spend, and used it as effectively as if he were to finance "The Adventures of Pluto Nash," or Michael Jackson's "Invincible."

If one wants the two most glaring examples of O'Dowd's ineptitude, one need look no further than his signings of Mike Hampton and Denny Neagle. Before the 2001 season, O'Dowd gave Mike Hampton an eight-year, $121 million deal. Those who looked objectively at the signing foresaw its problems. Hampton was a very successful pitcher before the signing, but had a poor strikeout rate and he walked nearly four batters per nine innings. These indicate that Hampton would likely not have the same degree of success in the high altitude environment of Coors Field, where the Rockies play their home games and where pitchers enter a state of depression.

When we fast forward to 2001, we see a Mike Hampton who got shellacked; hardly the ace the baseball "experts" expected. His 2002 season was the same story of long balls and poor control. In hindsight, we can see that Hampton was a good pitcher, but he certainly did not deserve $15 million a year, and he certainly did not belong in Colorado.

The story of the Denny Neagle signing is essentially the same, but to an even worse degree. O'Dowd gave Neagle a five-year, $51.5 million contract prior to the 2001 season. Neagle was never a particularly good pitcher, and he had very high hits allowed and home runs allowed totals despite spending most of his career behind fantastic defenses. Furthermore, at the time of the signing Neagle was 31 -- or, the age Macaulay Culkin will be when he realizes his career is over. Spending obscene amounts of money on old, overrated pitchers is, to put it mildly, a mistake. To put it less mildly, it is the mark of someone who could possibly be brain-dead. Of course, the end result is predictable, Neagle has spent two horrid years with the team, and he stands as another blemish on O'Dowd's record.

If you look at the money spent on Neagle and Hampton, you are looking at $172.5 million. That money could have been spent on seven years of Alex Rodriguez, or it could have been used to sign Barry Bonds, Bobby Abreu and Brian Giles, a lineup that would probably hit nearly 180 home runs between them at Coors, and would almost certainly be the nucleus of a championship dynasty. If you then look at some of O'Dowd's other foolish acquisitions over the years, like Neifi Perez (acquired in a three-way trade) and Jeff Cirillo, the Rockies have spent almost none of their money effectively.

This year, the Rockies, a team that should be loaded with sluggers, will be filled with anemic-hitting speedsters like Preston Wilson, Juan Pierre, Jay Payton and Greg Norton. A team that should be breaking offensive records on their way to a postseason berth will instead by languishing in the cellar like a drunken bum marinating in his own filth. Unfortunately, this team, which is as short on talent as Robert Reich is in height, will carry the label and all the trimmings of a major league team. For this abomination of a 25-man roster, we have one man to cast the blame upon -- Dan "Masato Yoshii" O'Dowd.