Klein: Good morning, Mr. Klein, and welcome back to “Klein, unrelated.” 

Klein: It’s nice to be back and mix things up this week.

Klein: And for those who are new to campus, can we take a second to explain what this column is all about?

Klein: Of course! Seeing as how we are two guys with the last name Klein who happen to be unrelated to each other, last year we decided to start a food review section dedicated to local restaurants near campus.

Klein: Which means, naturally, we went to Olive Garden in Portland, Maine.

Klein: It is truly the capital of Italian food. I felt like I was in Rome … but like … if Rome had better food.

Klein: Yeah. I’m never gonna get a job in journalism if this is my product, am I?

Klein: No way. You’re screwed.

Klein: Yep.

Klein: O.K., let’s move on to the food itself. What did you get?

Klein: I got the Grilled Chicken Margarita. It’s chicken topped with fresh tomatoes, that good mozzarella and lemon garlic sauce. I also got the bottomless salad which was not “gas” but was very crunchy. I was rather pleased with the texture.

Klein: The texture?

Klein: Yeah. Have you ever chowed down on some super crunchy salad? Every forkful of lettuce packed with refreshing layers of crisp snap? And the best part: it was bottomless! I had two full family-sized bowls!

Klein: You’re a weird dude, you know that, right?

Klein: I’ve heard that before, yeah. So, you’re not a salad fan … but tell us, what did you get?

Klein: I got the Fettuccine Alfredo. It was good, but an absolutely diabolical amount of calories. Including the breadsticks and soup, I think my meal was over 2000 calories.

Klein: How about the ambiance?

Klein: Splendid! Yeah, it was a lot of fun. We were there for a frisbee tournament with the Brandeis Tron Ultimate Frisbee team. Some of those guys are 1 of 1.

Klein: O.K., so what are you rating the food on a scale of 613?

Klein: Why 613?

Klein: It’s the 112th prime number?

Klein: Is that really true?

Klein: I’m not sure. Does it really matter?

Klein: Nope, I guess not. I would say it was about a 496.

Klein: Sick. For me, it was about a 313. 

Klein: Great. So, do you think you’d go again?

Klein: Look, if you want an insane calories per dollar ratio this is the place for you. If I really need that type of food I would absolutely go again. 

Klein: I agree. It’s not the type of thing I can eat normally but on special occasions it’s a good place.

Klein: Well, that concludes another beautiful edition of “Klein, unrelated.” See you next time.