Movies can create myriad different emotional journeys within the mind of the viewer. Some films lift the audience up to the virtue of the greatest character, while others drag it down to the baseness of the villain. Films can inspire people, they can anger them, and they can make a person rethink their deepest-held beliefs.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn—Part 1, however, is not that kind of movie.

Those who go to see a Twilight film already know what to expect: beautiful young people in the throes of a passionate but notably chaste love affair. Vampires and werewolves are also involved.

In this third installment, however, the series gets a much-needed shot of sexuality. Finally, human Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) are getting married. And everyone, even a Mormon, knows that with marriage comes a honeymoon. Bow chicka wow wow.

After Bella and Edward are married—in an admittedly beautifully decorated outdoor wedding, complete with suspended flowers and a lace aisle—he whisks her off to Brazil, where they spend the night in a cottage on an island off the coast.

Of course, the couple is worried that Edward's supernatural strength will kill his bride, and that he will not have the willpower to resist draining her of blood once they consummate their marriage. But Bella insists. After all, the two have barely touched since they first met in their high school chemistry class, and she is a 19-year-old girl.

So they do it, in a rather comical scene. Edward physically breaks the headboard of their marriage bed, crushing it between his fingers to release his built-up sexual tension. The next morning, Bella wakes up to discover the entire bedroom has been destroyed, all the furniture ripped to shreds. She shrugs it off as a silly vampire quirk.

This scene does bring up some questions, however. Just why does Bella love Edward so much? Edward has made it clear that he is attracted to her because she has the best blood he's ever smelled—vampires are known for their romantic sides. But Bella is strangely drawn to him as well, for reasons that are never really fleshed out. They're just "meant to be," and director Bill Condon (Dreamgirls, Chicago) leaves it at that. This is one aspect of the Twilight story that I find actually upsetting. Young girls around the world are reading these books and watching these movies. To feed them a story in which a girl gives up her entire life, including her family, her friends and her future to be with a boy is not a message I'd like to be gobbled up without a second thought. But that's what the story is, in essence. Stewart is known for her glum appearance, both in the films and at industry events. While walking down the aisle, Bella seems struck by fear and hesitation, not the normal happy and anticipatory energy that a woman should feel on the day she weds her one true love.

Though Bella is the film's protagonist, she never seems to have any serious obstacle to overcome. Rather, Edward and Bella's ex Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) devote their lives to her protection and well-being. She mostly sits back and argues with them about how strong she is, though she never really shows it.

Two weeks into her honeymoon, Bella becomes ill. Could it be food poisoning? Nope, it's a baby. Apparently half-vampire babies grew super fast and are so strong that they can break their mother's bones from the inside. Bella doesn't really get that "pregnant glow" that expectant mothers are known for.

Instead, through CGI, Stewart loses what's left of her non-existent body fat. Her hair goes grey and her cheeks become hollowed. Within a month her abdomen is swollen to the size of an exercise ball. When Jacob gets wind that something is wrong with Bella, he runs to the Cullen residence, where he finds his love clearly dying. Cue the angry discussion between Edward and Jacob. This same scene happens so often in the Twilight movies it's like the actors are all on autopilot.

Jacob returns to his pack and tells them what's going on. The alpha, or leader of the clan, then delivers the best line of the film: "We have to kill it, before it is born." This overly dramatic dialogue is made all the better by the fact that when the werewolves are in their animal form, they for some reason sound like they've been dubbed by gravely voiced killer robots. Honestly, if this line had been the tagline for the film, I would have been much more inclined to tell people I was seeing it.

Breaking Dawn—Part 1 has become the second-highest grossing midnight opening of all time, coming in behind only Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, and had overall the fifth-highest grossing opening weekend for a film. This franchise is a huge deal for the box office. But if I hadn't known that it was so popular and just seen if on my own, I probably would have thought it was some cult horror film from the 1950s, just with better CGI. The plot is utterly ridiculous and the script sounds like a series of exclamatory remarks pasted awkwardly together. The campiest scene of all was the birth of Bella and Edward's daughter, Renesmee. To get that monster baby out, Edward rips Bella's uterus open … with his teeth. The site of blood running down his chin as he rushes away from the hospital room is pure camp gore at its finest.