There are two types of Brandeis students: those who genuinely like Brandeis and those who want to transfer. That leaves the bulk of the school caught somewhere between bland, unhappy comfort and a lazy inability to send their transcript to Cornell.For those of us still sweating it out here, it's commonly agreed that the typical Brandeis student is a small, brown-haired, whiney antisocial misfit. And I won't deny that allegation completely. I'd rather just discuss the variations on a theme. Every college has its drunken jocks and political correctors. But Brandeis has its own brand of clich students. Most noticeably, Jews dominate the landscape, peppering the Great Lawn with yarmulkes and NEJS textbooks.

What is not so apparent is the large group that has developed Bob Dylan Disorder. These are the students who, prior to attending Brandeis, considered themselves Jewish. However, upon arrival, these Jews quickly traded Friday night services for Wednesday nights at The Mad Raven and a free Birthright trip to Israel for a cheap mushroom trip on Chapels Field. Many outsiders question the faith of these students, assuming that Brandeis would have made them stronger Jews. They would be surprised to know that for an overwhelming number of Jews, Brandeis can have the ill effect of detracting from a student's Jewish identity. After all, a guy who was once one of three Jews in his high school graduating class might not feel so special graduating with three hundred Jews four years later.

Of course, Brandeis has its unique Greek life that is swept under the University rug. These students comprise a minority of Brandeis. Long Island Jewish American Princesses (LIJAPs) are easy to identify by their Northfaces, Uggs, burnt straightened hair, and the sour expression on their freshly lipglossed faces. The Reckless Intoxicated Frat (RIF) boys are similarly identifiable by their Solo plastic cups, vomit stains and their inverted posture due to the fact that a keg stand needs to be performed upside down. Both LIJAPs and RIF boys survive on Daddy's credit card and prescription drugs. However, where the RIF Boys would funnel pizza if only someone would create a tasty liquid form, the LIJAPs would funnel pizza if only it wasn't so much of a hassle to throw up.

Then are the students who created a Brandeis chapter of NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws), only to let it burn out after a school year due to lack of attendance. Yes, these lovable Wooks-who get their name from their resemblance to grimy Wookies from Star Wars-are fun from afar and smell like Usdan close up. All hairy and dreaded, the Wooks are especially environmentally conscious. They carefully conserve butane by lighting their bongs with matchbook-lit pistachio shells and prefer hiking up Rabb steps barefoot, if only to save gas. Free Tibet! Leave Iraq! Reunite Phish! Hoorah for Wooks everywhere, fliering campus for events that happened last week.

No Brandeis student breakdown is complete without the mention of the Freaks, Dweebs, Dorks, Goons and Creepy Social Rejects. Of course, I'd like to assume that all of the other groups are mostly comprised of these outcasts anyway. After all, it's Brandeis, home of the small, brown-haired, whiney antisocial misfit. And if you don't like it, you might want to look into transferring.