When somebody asks you to describe life at Brandeis, don't bother trying to respond in a sentence. Instead, hand Grandma the latest edition of the police log. She'll get the picture.Brandeis students try to avoid talking to each other

The thing that bothers me most is how passive aggressive people here can be. If somebody is being too loud and you have a legitimate reason to try to go to bed early (and no, Saturday morning cartoons don't count), why can't you just get up the nerve to ask your neighbor to be quiet instead of calling the police?

Here are some classic examples:

April 4 2003-In Castle Quad, a resident reported that there was shouting and other noises coming from her floor for the past 30 minutes. She requested an officer to investigate. Police stated that the noise seemed to be coming from a loud television set, and told the television set's owner to lower the volume.

It might just be me, but I think that knocking on your neighbor's door and asking him or her to turn down the TV would be the best situation for all involved. Your neighbor won't get in trouble, the police won't be bothered and you can work on your social skills, which obviously need improving.

Oct. 3 2003-A complaint came from East Quad of a group of people clapping their hands and singing in the hallway.

That's right, somebody called the police to report clapping and singing. And kids complain about the social life here?

Survival of the fittest wouldn't work in Brandeis' favor

But just because students like to go to bed early doesn't mean that they're bad people. I have plenty of friends who have obligations in the morning and choose to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Going to bed early doesn't mean that you're a dork. This, however, does:

Sept. 2 2003-The Shapiro Admissions Center received a fax from an individual concerned with world problems. An investigation will follow.
I have no comment on this one other than to let you know that this was listed under Harassment. Soon I might be sending a fax to Shapiro to voice concern about the lack of Darwinian survival skills possessed by Brandeis students.

Oct. 26 2003-A male in North called for BEMCo to look at his ear because he stuck a Q-Tip in it and it was hurting. The patient was transported by BEMCo to Sterling Medical Center.

Or try this one out:

Oct. 24 2003-There was a report of a party in Grad that fell getting out of bed.

One more:

Sept 3 2003-A student in the Math building walked into a glass door and possibly had a concussion. The student was transported to the hospital.

Reproduction has to happen somehow

How do people get down on Brandeis campus?

Nov. 20 2003-A party in Massell Quad reported a student who locked himself up with friends in toy metal handcuffs. The officer on the scene is unable to unlock with Police Department handcuff keys. A second officer was contacted to respond.

Hey buddy, S&M isn't for everyone. Better luck next time.

So some people aren't getting too lucky. But that doesn't mean they should ruin it for everyone else. This guy thought it did:

Oct. 13 2002-A male reported that he believed sexual acts were going on within Ridgewood. Police found nothing.

I'm throwing a yellow flag on that play. I hope you all will join me in wishing all the bad things in the world on this guy.

If you don't understand my point, please think twice the next time you pick up the phone to call the police. Stop being so passive-aggressive and have the courage of your convictions. Most of us aren't unreasonable-we don't mind turning down the TV if it's bothering you-just try to handle the problem yourself before bringing in the emergency services.