I sat down to write something profound and genuine for my graduation commencement issue. I wanted it not only to be witty and cute, but also to speak to my entire class. But then I realized that none of that would be real, because it would be just me and my feelings during the whirlwind of Senior Week. With the help of a few friends and some drinks, I began brainstorming about Brandeis' upsides and pitfalls. The conversation that kept resurging was about this question: Have you ever noticed that since you got to Brandeis, things got a lot more awkward? We mused over this thought for a few moments before narrowing it down to one universal situation we experience constantly on this campus: the awkward hello.

The "We were on the same hall freshman year but haven't talked since" awkward hello.

This uncomfortable greeting also applies to orientation groups, USEM classmates and first-week friends. This situation is particularly awkward because you are unsure when or if you should have ceased saying hello at all. Additionally, there are often years to catch up on in response to the two simple words "What's up?" Presumably, the answer to this query is always "not much."

The "I said hello too early" awkward hello.

Picture it. You're walking towards someone you know on a deserted walkway somewhere on campus. You catch each other's eye. You are about 30 feet too far apart to make a conversation. If you say hello now, there are 10 seconds of awkwardness, and if you don't, you are pretty much a jerk. Props to be used in this scenario are cell phones, looking at your watch and sunglasses which you can pretend make you blind so you never saw the other person.

The "we met when I was intoxicated," not to be confused with "We hooked up, whoops" awkward hello.


These exchanges are not required to be the same, but often are. Certain symptoms of the awkwardness include not knowing the other's name, not knowing if that is, in fact, the actual person, and wondering what you may have told said person during your night of debauchery.

The "I know more about you than I should" awkward hello.

Gossip is the main contributor to this salutation. For example, your friend has hooked up with someone and knows that they tend to cry and call their mother after sex. If you run into this person at Usdan, your hello may be-to put it mildly-slightly awkward. Laughter never helps the situation, and this person should be avoided at all costs.

The "I know you, you know me, but we're going to pretend we don't" awkward hello.

Generally, this situation applies to a current or past classmate, friends of friends or someone who you know through the Facebook (admit it, you're on it, too). You know who he or she is, you hope this person knows who you are, but rather than find out, you're just awkward.

The "this is awkward for no reason" awkward hello.

The perfect scenarios for this hello are waiting in line or in an elevator, although you could also be passing or walking alongside your peer. The worst thing about this situation is that you could have had multiple lengthy conversations with said person. For some reason this particular moment, at this particular time, is incredibly uncomfortable and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

The "we should have more to talk about, but we don't" awkward hello.

This is easy to sum up: "Hey, how are you?" "Good, how are you?" "Good, thanks." "Awesome."

The "Hey... you" awkward hello.

Okay, so in this case, you've talked at almost every party you've ever been to, eaten lunch together and even told each other life plans. The only problem is that you don't know this individual's name. A smart person would have years ago simply inquired about the missing information but no, you were either embarrassed or figured that the name would just come to you like a prophecy in a dream.

The "I am on my walk of shame" awkward hello.

Runny make-up, fancy clothes, 10 a.m. in the morning. Enough said.

The "goodbye" awkward hello.

When all your awkward hellos culminate in one incredibly awkward goodbye. Four years are supposed to be summed up succinctly, prophetically and emotionally in a quick one or two-liner because, you know, you both have other friends who need real goodbyes. So you throw in an awkward hug (you've probably never touched before) and a little nod to top it all off.

So, hey...you. Congratulations and good luck! I'll...uh...see you around and we could, you know, grab a coffee or something. Yeah...bye!

Acknowledgements
Monica Asher, Ari Browne, Dan Cohen, Noah Cohen, Adam Goldstein, Sam Raizen and Greg Sasso...all slightly intoxicated.