FORUM BRIEFSA Thursday is a Thursday is a Thursday

It is amazingly Orwellian that this university can decide at the last moment to change days around and confuse the entire Brandeis community. Mondays become Thursdays, Fridays become Mondays and Wednesdays become Thursdays. This is even more confusing than the Student Union elections!

Why isn't a weekday ever replaced by a weekend day? I propose that we have a "Brandeis Sunday" next Thursday. And if the administration does not make this schedule change, I say we treat it like a Sunday anyway because we decided we wanted it. And if no one joins me, that's fine. I will just get exceedingly drunk on Wednesday night and skip out on class the next morning.

Hairy and scary and and too close for comfort

I saw the play Hair this week. Great job and kudos to all who were in it-but what was up with the cast coming up to audience members and physically running rampant on our private parts? The cast took moments during the performance to actually approach the audience, singing, dancing and throwing flowers.

I was sadly disappointed. Some of the more attractive actresses, like "hot stuff" Jessie Podell or "cooler than school" Michal Zecher, for example, came up to the audience but they didn't dance near me!
Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't mind that much being barraged by hippies doing LSD and smoking marijuana. After all, I am "hip" with what all you kids do these days. Your music might not be my style, but I am "with it."

But if the drama kids on this campus need to learn one thing, it's this: sex sells. Remember that next time when I have a short, paunchy, smelly guy shaking his butt in my face.

Aramark's not helping me be Jenny Craig

Aramark decided to replace my beloved fat-laden mayonnaise with a healthier and leaner fat-free version of the condiment I adore. Who eats mayonnaise to lose weight? Mayonnaise was never intended to be a healthy food. Where does Aramark get off thinking that the people who normally eat mayonnaise will be happy with a decision to basically remove what we love the most?

This week I tried the replacement mayonnaise, in order to be fair to those monsters at Aramark. The problem is that in order to get the new mayonnaise to taste anything like the real mayonnaise that I love and enjoy, I have to use 40 packets of it on my sandwich. And of course, no one told me that 40 packets of fat-free mayonnaise add up to 600 calories! I thought I was eating "healthily." This is not going to help me get that interview at Jenny Craig that I always wanted.

Next I'll wear a skirt with my pink shirt

What's up with every guy wearing pink shirts these days? I started the fashion back in fifth grade. But as usual, every man wants to copy my fashion sense. But it has gone way too far! Now, Brandeisian men have taken the last dive in the hopes of bringing out their feminine side. If they are willing to wear pink shirts, what's next? Skirts? Then again, I wouldn't mind skirts so much. Maybe that is what I have to do to start the next fashion trend: wear a mini-skirt with my Uggs, like the girls. I may look weird at first, but that's what they said in fifth grade-and look how wrong they were there. You just wait and see who's copying who.

And my mom thinks I'm a weirdo

No week is complete without mentioning my adorable mother. Here is a memorable quote from the inimitable Lauri Hartz:

"Hoishal! What kind of article did you write? Why do you write about not being able to get girls? I know it's the truth, but do you have to tell everyone? You always were a weirdo!"

It is truly amazing how parents never can understand us college students. I admit my case, sadly, is worse than most.