Spring has sprung! The weather warmed up, the sun started shining and you finally get to show off that hot body you've been secretly working on all winter.What? You haven't been working out? You put on a few pounds? You put on an entire layer of protective fat to stay warm in the midst of catastrophic snow storms and wind chills? This could be bad. This could be very bad. Look: not everyone is perfect, so don't freak out just yet. There's still enough time to get yourself in shape.

If you really need a quick fix, I suggest liposuction. You can get a great tummy tuck for under 10 grand, and last time I checked, fellas, it's not just for women! Americans spent over seven billion dollars on plastic surgery last year alone. Just don't forget to buy some Neosporin for those painful looking scars.

Eat out at really dirty looking restaurants. Food poisoning is a guaranteed loss of at least five pounds. I suggest ordering sketchy Taco Bell delights and make sure you take them to go so you can eat them with a clean toilet nearby.

The Atkins Diet is the worst fad that has ever hit the weight loss world. It gives snap bracelets the appearance of cultural staying power. Everyone knows Dr. Atkins was certifiably obese when he died. Yet, for some reason, millions of people play Passover year round and forego bread. First of all, to state the obvious, I would never take a fat man's advice on dieting. Second of all, I have never met anyone who has lost weight from cutting carbohydrates. And third of all, it's just a stupid idea.
Avoid diet pills at all costs. They're for the desperate freaks who try to lose weight every day of their lives but, like the movie Gigli, fail miserably.

Try to connect food with a traumatizing event. Dietary depression is a sure way to suck the fun out of food. Watch terrorist attacks on C-SPAN with your favorite ice cream. If that doesn't work, get out that old bar mitzvah video, a group of friends who will be sure to judge you and a Hershey's bar. Nothing takes the flavor out of chocolate like braces, a neon tie and acne. Oy! Pretty soon your friends will be saying mazel tov on your beautiful body.

Holidays are for suckers. Make your holiday rock extra hard with an ab video, a Power Bar and the knowledge that even if you don't lose any weight, everyone else will packing on the pounds.

I can't stress enough how important it is to wear clothes that actually fit you. Even though you can still, technically, squeeze into those 3/4 jeans with the help of a clamp and some baby oil, it doesn't mean you're an actual 3/4. You might think that parading around in tight clothes accentuates your flavah, but it also accentuates those rolls that could really stand a butter-substitute.
Salad bar. Good, say it with me. Salad bar. I'll even spell it out. S-A-L-A-D B-A-R. Amen.
Have loads and loads of sex. Have so much sex that your neighbor next door will start commiserating with your neighbor upstairs about all the noise. Sublimate food thoughts and hunger into intense sexual longing. Really, in the end the love you take isn't equal to the love you make at all. People who are having sex will probably continue having sex. It's a vicious-or awesome-cycle. The more sex one has, the more calories one burns. As a surplus of calories are burned, one begins to look attractive as a result of the weight loss and a healthy glow in the cheeks.

The cycle continues, as the more attractive you are, the more sex you have. Make sure to try lots of strenuous positions, but be sensible. This is supposed to be healthy sex, so leave the high-cal whipped cream in the kitchen.

For those of you who aren't sexually active, you'll just have to go to the gym and sweat alone like the others.

When it comes to weight loss, sometimes you just need to use tough love. If one of your friends is serious about dieting, help them out. Unplug their fridge so their food spoils and needs to be thrown away. While they're making a trip to the supermarket to replace their dietary squanders, throw the fridge off the roof and line the cabinets with animal feces. Upon their return, greet them with a scale and the smile of a true friend.

Still feel like nothing is doing the trick? Here's an idea... Don't eat so much.

What's with people complaining that they don't feel satisfied when they're on a diet? You're supposed to feel hungry. That dull pain in your stomach is called "losing weight." It means that it's working. Of course it doesn't feel good-it's not supposed to. If being thin felt good, no one would be ba-dah-ba-ba-ba lovin' it.