College. Whoa. Now before you go and get your extra-long matching sheet set in a bunch, I have a few important notes to go over with the freshman class. Pardon, I mean first-years. Call it a Freshman Guide to Brandeis. Call me crazy. Call it anything you want, but I recommend printing this out and taping it to your mini- fridge anyway.

Join a club. It will help your parents rationalize the forty thousand dollar hole in their wallet. This is where I make a shameless plug for the Justice, because it's the best. Ever. But, alas, if writing's not your thing, I hear the Alwina Bennet Fan Club is always looking for more members.

If you've got your heart set on singing but the acapella fish just aren't biting, form a band so someone can finally give The Edition a run for their money. WBRS can make you famous to the five people who are listening, or you can always bet on Brandeis's new chapter of NORML to have interesting meetings.

Never sign up for classes high, even if Conversational Greek sounds like a thrilling idea at the time.

If you don't have a car on campus, be prepared to sleep around with the Bran Van staff or sever all ties with the outside world. The Bran Van will never be on time unless you are running late, in which case it will arrive five minutes early and leave you chasing after it down Peripheral Road. Although Waltham doesn't have much to offer, it does have Gordon's. Unfortunately, this is Boston, so your blatantly fake Idaho ID won't really be of any use unless you have two more to back it up with. You're better off befriending a senior or swearing off spirits until you're of legal age. But girls, I beg of you, don't date seniors. Don't date your Roosevelt Fellow, and don't date your TA. Don't make me say I told you so in November.

Allow me to introduce you to your new best friend, boogle.agblog.com.

Never go to Pachanga sober. Seriously, or else I will call BEMCO and make them give you two CC's of vodka, stat. Wild, crazy, and all together ridiculous, Pachanga is a great time to meet new friends that you'll look back on with a shudder and a self-deprecating joke about drunk goggles. Whatever the reason may be, I don't suggesting getting it on in your bed while your roommate's pretending to sleep across the room, or even worse, right above you. What might seem like a good idea at the time might cause a few troublesome glares the next morning. Don't mistake Brandeis for a school where you can hook up with someone randomly and not expect to see him or her again. Because you will, it will be awkward and knowing their name always helps. The notorious Freshman Face book can be of some assistance here, but it's terribly unreliable when it comes to these things.

Quiet hours are merely "suggested" times to quiet down. And really, what does quiet mean, anyway? Isn't that a little subjective?

Get to know the wonders of the C-Store. Experiment. Snack Pack over Phish Food makes a pleasant mid-afternoon treat, and the Pirouette cans make storing stolen plastic spoons from Usdan fun! Introduce yourself to Sylvia during the late-night hours, if only because it's always important to get in good with the Aramark dining staff. While you're meandering down aisle four, check out the fine assortment of Hot Pocket flavors to choose from. For a predominatly Jewish school, you'd be surprised at how quickly the "ham n' cheese" goes.

There's no pool in the gym. That's a big joke everyone tells freshmen.

If Gosman gives you the heebie-jeebies, there are many other ways the work out on campus. Sign up for a few humanities courses, and enjoy the daily trek up and down Raab steps. Go out for the football team, or try walking to and from a frat party on Dartmouth street.

Good luck on your first year of college, freshmen. I hope I've taught you some valuable lessons to live your first year by. Most importantly, don't forget to send me fan mail.