What I'm about to say might shock you. It might make you want to throw down your copy of the Justice in a fit of rage, spit on it and ignite the whole thing in a dramatic burst of flames just for good measure. You might even be tempted to hunt me down, force-feed me Sherman food and tie me to the roof of the Bran Van until I'm begging for mercy.But, seeing as the semester's about done, I'll just come out and say it and seek refuge in the library, or other various places on campus you'd never expect to find me.

I hate a cappella. It makes my jaw clench, my brows narrow and my eyes roll.

At its best, I end up leaving Chum's wiping away tears of disgust from my eyes. At its worst, however, it induces more laughter than a particularly funny False Advertising flier lurking on the tables of Usdan.

At least we can rest assured that the universities are laughing all right. Laughing all the way to the bank, that is. A cappella groups are one big collegiate financial joke. With the economy plunging and college endowments suffering, what better way to boost student morale and save money? Ex-high school musical theater stars competing for prized spots in small groups that require no equipment, no uniforms and essentially no talent. Where do I sign up?

A cappella has become a sickening trend at colleges all over the nation. What started as a few groups of gifted singers performing great hymns without accompaniment has become an untalented musical disease spreading itself over unassuming campuses. It's evolved into brassy voiced American Idol hopefuls struggling to make their voice heard . Maybe silence really is golden.

Sure, I'll stop by Chums on occasion to see a friend solo "All That Jazz" and make obscene cat-calls. But I don't shout happily. Hell, no. When Spur of the Moment or VoiceMale performs, Chums is packed so tightly with loyal friends and a-ca-wannabes, you can barely move your arms to clap.

Wannabes? Oh, yes. A cappella isn't all awful Madonna covers and pitch pipes.

An anonymous member of one of Brandeis' successful a cappella groups said it best. "We are getting ourselves in shape for next year, like the movie 'Bring It On.' A cappella is so cut throat, competitive and widely received, it's become a big joke to me. There's a seedy underworld with weird fans and intense groups, but it has even less meaning at Brandeis because there are so many groups." But more importantly, "Most of them aren't that good."

Truth be told, most of the a cappella on campus really is sub-par. At least Spur is generally in tune and Company B's human beat box is wildly entertaining.

But while crowds flock to A Cappella Fests and the like, fewer and fewer people have been attending home-grown campus bands. I mean, hey, it's not like these musicians actually learned how to play an instrument and write music. But how can this small feat even begin to compare to the genius that lies in harmonizing a Cindy Lauper song for four parts and a guy who grunts and hocks loogies into a saliva coated microphone?

Our student body has proven that it can't. A Cappella is everywhere and new groups are emerging from the steps of Rabb every day.

At least they could consolidate. I propose a Hebrew all 70s showtunes male power group. They could perform a Yiddish version of the musical "Cats" in drag which I would definitely shell out three dollars to go see, no questions asked.

Well, maybe just one.

Which way to the library?

- Lindsay Kaplan '06 submits a column to the Justice.