For years, Brandeis has been developing a reputation of being one of the finest research institutions in the nation. It has also achieved a reputation for nurturing students who succeed in the classroom ... but not in the bedroom.This unsettling information could be blamed on a number of factors. Maybe the lack of dating could be the result of Brandeis' academic demands. Perhaps students are too consumed with work. But, what if the problem had to do with the campus itself?

Let's face it, Brandeis doesn't really offer much in terms of a romantic nightlife. Hip-Hop night at the Stein is not exactly what I would call prime dating territory, and I would hardly call a late-night trip to the C-Store conducive to your love life. At least the eternally late Boston shuttle brings some much-needed salvation.

I am willing to work with whatever Brandeis has to offer. Let's start with the library. I admit, I have yet to actually enter the library. I have, though, heard stories about failed attempts at students struggling to get closer in the green room. And, my friends wonder why I refuse to study there.

Actually, I prefer studying at the Java City in another green area on campus. If the Shapiro Campus Center was everything Brandeis promised it would be, why is it always so dull when I get there? The atrium is always empty, and the coffee shop has nothing going for it but the longest line on campus. If you have enough faith in boredom and conversation, it wouldn't make for a bad date.

Moving on to the Usdan appeal. It's absolutely impossible to make a trip around the salad bar alluring. Trust me, I've tried on numerous occasions. For future reference, the staff doesn't usually enjoy it when you try to get sexy with all of those salad dressings everywhere. In fact, they really hate you, the salad dressing and the mess. Maybe Usdan isn't the best place to test the waters of a future relationship after all.

Next on the agenda is Chumolumadomalies. Or however it's spelled. There's nothing more pathetic than a couple shmoozing on a couch at Chum's. The coffee tastes like mud, they don't take points, and the ambience isn't overly romantic at all. I'd actually be satisfied if it looked more like the Central Perk and less like the dungeon of the Castle. Chums, which, unfortunately, is usually dead during the night hours, except for the feature coffee houses with bands, performances and the like. These nights would make for an ideal date, excepting the lack of adequate seating in Chums. However, if you want to get smushed, trampled on and eventually separated from the love-of-your-life in a sea of eager Red Shift fans, maybe your best bet is Chum's.

Looking for high class dining? I hope not, because the best Brandeis has to offer is The Stein. What can I say about the Stein? There isn't anything that hasn't already been said by any person who has ever bitten into a Steinburger and sworn it was burnt tire. While the service is always nice, the food has got a bit of a temper. It's hard to concentrate on courtship when you can barely gnaw on a stale piece of bruschetta. There's nothing like getting out of a real date by paying in points, but be careful. Points can't buy you love.

The really lucky couples score two round-trip tickets on the spectacularly punctual Bran Van to glamorous downtown Waltham. Sure, a Bran Van is usually too late, too early or too crowded, but it's worth it for an escape from campus. Compared to the Stein, any restaurant in Waltham is a winner.

Brandeis' lack of action could just as well be due to the lack of options around campus. Next time you and your potential honey are looking for something to do, you're better off just sexiling a roommate. Maybe then someone around this school will take a hint and start constructing a dorm with more singles.