Not for the first time in my long history of television viewing, I am ashamed of myself. I like to think of myself as a discerning viewer of prime-time drivel, as oxymoronic as that seems. After all, I do occasionally critique television in my column, and therefore every hour spent watching the tube is meant solely for research purposes. I'll catch the occasional episode of "Dawson's Creek," but simply to make fun of the show's precipitous decline. And, I really do think "Alias" and "Gilmore Girls" are among the best-written shows on television, necessitating their weekly taping.But, this year, I've really outdone myself. I've hit rock bottom on the scale of respectability. Rather than watching the Emmy-winning show, "The Practice" on Sundays at 10 p.m., as I had for the past five years, this fall I have joined over four million Americans in viewing "The Anna Nicole Show" on E!. And, you know what? I don't think I've laughed so hard in ages.

Anna Nicole Smith, the washed-up former centerfold, Guess? model and gold-digger, has to be the most hilarious unintentional comedienne on television. In this "reality" sitcom, modeled on MTV's successful "The Osbournes," the audience follows the slurring, buxom blonde around Los Angeles with her personal assistant, attorney, decorator, son and dog. It sounds simple enough - perhaps even boring. Yet, nothing is boring about Anna Nicole. As the show's theme song so proudly proclaims, "she's so outrageous."

Here is a typical scene from "The Anna Nicole Show:" Anna Nicole has signed up for a dating service that will set her up with millionaire bachelors. Claude, her prospective suitor, is shown on camera preparing for their planned date. He is being meticulous in his preparations, as he knows "she is a woman of very good taste." The camera quickly cuts to Anna Nicole. She eloquently explains, in her over-medicated Texan drawl, "I haven't dated for over two years, but I fucked this guy for three weeks."

Later in the date, Claude is trying to impress Anna Nicole with his former status as an actor. He brags that he once did a scene with Tom Hanks. What was Anna Nicole's reply? "I had two wet dreams about Tom Hanks. I have no idea why."

Every scene with Anna Nicole's exceedingly gay decorator (Bobby Trendy - even his very name is a parody) is hilarious. For Bobby, everything is "luxurious." The walls, the ceilings, the bed, Anna Nicole's body . the list is endless. Even funnier is when Anna Nicole's attorney, Howard Stern (no relation to the radio shock-jock) dresses in a feather boa and makes fun of Bobby. He and Anna Nicole then proceed to destroy the pink, frou-frou bed Bobby has built for her. This is hardly an attorney's role. Howard, however, has a very privileged attorney-client relationship with Anna Nicole. In addition to receiving at least one-third of her dead, aged husband's will once it is settled, he receives lap dances, kisses and a ridiculous amount of attention from Anna Nicole.

Critics argue that Anna Nicole is being exploited by E!. What is her reply? "Oh yeah? Well, I don't mind, as long as I'm getting paid for it." She is shamelessly cashing in on her former celebrity status, milking it for all she can. Yet, who can blame her, if people are willing to watch?

Soon, Liza Minelli will have her own reality show on VH1. Anna Nicole is not the first, or the last, B-list celebrity looking to reclaim fame and fans by giving the public a glimpse into her private life. She has yet to receive the big pay-off from her dead husband's will, and this show is helping her to keep a prodigious amount of food on her table and pay for a new house. The money helps her provide for her 16-year-old son, Daniel, which is a good thing, since he is clearly more emotionally mature than his own mother. She needs the viewers, and we need her comic relief. All in all, it seems to be a fair trade-off.

While the show's first season wrapped up last week, the audience shouldn't fret; she will return for another season next year. The show has become such a cultural phenomenon that "Saturday Night Live" parodied it with a brilliant Robert Smigel cartoon, "Anna Nicole Smurfette," this season. Anna Nicole dolls with vapid, bobbing heads are being sold at www.eonline.com as we speak.

In the end, Anna Nicole is just a girl from rural Texas who made it big - a little too big, and then took an abrupt fall from grace. The show is her rebound. The show is her life; she bares all, but this time in the figurative sense rather than the centerfold one. But, best of all, the show is funny. Thank you, "Anna, Anna, fabulous Anna, Anna Nicole" - for being so outrageous.

- Jamie Freed '03 submits a column to the Justice