Does anyone have a box of tissues? The Hub is officially in mourning, again. For the 84th year in a row. In case you missed it, the Boston Red Sox were officially eliminated from playoff contention this past Wednesday afternoon after a valiant, last-ditch effort to get back in the wildcard race. The Sox fell helplessly short with just one week remaining in the regular season. The Red Sox still had a mathematical shot at it two weekends ago, yet Pedro Martinez was already shutting himself down. They really had you this time, didn't they? Red Sox Nation expected them to ride the coattails of the Patriots Super Bowl victory and wipe away any remnants of "The Curse of the Bambino" on their way to a sixth World Series championship. Sure, it would have made a great story. Except, somewhere between the Tony Clark signing and "El Guapo" returning to Maracay, Venezuela midseason, the Red Sox forgot how to win baseball games.

No team is going to advance to the World Series without a dominant closer or timely hitting. The Red Sox had neither. Ugueth Urbina may have a great name (just imagine looking at his monogrammed towels: UU), but he has been very mediocre this year with six blown saves to date. You could look past this shortcoming, except the Sox play most teams close and managed to be just 12-23 in one-run games through Saturday. Add the frustration of having seven players named to the All-Star game and you have a recipe for trades and re-organization. The 2003 opening day starting lineup could be void of such household names as Garciaparra or Ramirez. It might serve the Red Sox management well to dish high paid superstars now and receive the maximum in return. After all, Nomahhhhhh may have a name born for Boston superstardom, but he has only provided fans with shabby defense (24 errors) and jovial eye candy (Mia Hamm) thus far.

And now, on to my favorite story of the week. In case you missed it because the University shut down your Internet, Randy Moss decided one morning that he didn't like Traffic Control Officer Amy Zacardi and rolled her off the hood of his Lexus with 21 inch dubs after pushing her backwards for a city block. What did Officer Zacardi do to receive this posh treatment from the Minnesota Vikings star wide receiver? She attempted to stop him from making an illegal turn. Oh, and there was a marijuana joint just sitting in the ash tray. Well, Moss surely admitted his wrong doing and apologized for his public boo-boo, right? Wrong!

The following is an actual transcribed quote from his first press conference: "The woman had me confused as to what I was supposed to do. There was no conversation ... All I know is the cuffs are slammed on me, and I'm in the back of the cruiser."

Is Randy serious? "The Woman." "No conversation." Did he want to do dinner first, then maybe a movie and a good-night kiss? When did being a moron become a defense tactic? You run over an officer with your car and you don't expect to be cuffed? If the Hindus are right and there really is re-incarnation, then God please let me come back as Randy Moss. In just one short conversation, he reminded everyone why he was passed over by 21 other teams in the 1998 draft. Not because he admits to playing just some of the time. No, that would be coachable. Moss was passed over because he lives in some parallel universe, with my man Ricky Henderson, where people speak in the third person about themselves and don't believe that the laws of this Earth are applicable to them.

And, so, you must be wondering how the Vikings reacted. Don't worry, Moss was punished. You know, for missing Wednesday's practice, not because he assaulted an officer with his car and was caught with pot. Moss's reaction to being disciplined: "I know they had to discipline me, for what reason I don't know." Hmmmm, let me think about this one.

Lastly, I wanted to leave you with my Bruins preview. Don't worry, though, next week this column will be littered with bold predictions and obvious commentary about the upcoming NHL season.

In case you forgot (I know I did), the Bruins are the defending Eastern Conference regular season champions. Now if they retained all of their star players and maybe added another scorer, they would be my "expert" pick to run down Commonwealth Ave. with the Stanley Cup in hand. This is Boston, though, and things aren't done like they are supposed to around here. Instead of adding, the Bruins subtracted. Teams that lose in the first round of the playoffs usually need to add players. Gone is 41 goal scorer Bill Guerin and top goalie Byron Dafoe. Newcomer Byron Berard was signed to shore up the blue line, but the man has only one good eye. Great name and all, but only seeing half the rink should not exactly be comforting to Steve Shields and John Grahame. Does anyone else see the Monty Python-like comedy here? So that leaves Beantown's best men on ice to sneak into the playoffs near the six or seven spot and try to be the spoiler rather than the spoilee.