ADELE’S UPCOMING TRACKS: THE NEXT WINE MOM ANTHEMS
After six years away, Adele is finally releasing a new album, unsurprisingly titled 30. This development is very exciting for many people, but nobody should be more excited than wine moms. Adele has a unique ability to capture everything that makes a good wine mom song, and she’s done just that, over and over. With this week’s announcement of 30’s tracklist, Adele effectively announced the soundtrack of wine nights for the next decade.
However, not all Adele tracks are made equal. For every “Someone Like You.” there’s a “He Won’t Go;” for every “When We Were Young,” there’s a “Million Years Ago.” To have a good wine mom song, a few things are needed: It should be cathartic to sing along to in a group setting (such as a book club with wine, a dinner with wine, or a night in with the girls with wine). It should have a catchy title, so that tipsy moms can ask for the song to be played no matter the level of their ability to remember. It should feel like something that could be put on after watching “Big Little Lies.” Bonus points for the word “love” being in the title. With that rubric in place, here is a ranking of Adele’s tracklist for “30” in terms of wine mom appropriateness.
15. Track 8- “All Night Parking” (Interlude) (with Erroll Garner)
Truly could not be worse for wine moms. First of all, interlude implies a lack of singing, which would then mean this cannot be sung with the girls. Secondly, though Erroll Garner was a truly prolific jazz artist during his heyday, his inclusion is unfortunately not swoon-worthy. Lastly, all night parking invokes a deep sense of sadness, but in a bleak, Sopranos-y sort of way, not in a dramatic, Big Little Lies-y way. “All Night Parking” (Interlude) has decidedly no shot at becoming a wine mom anthem.
14. Track 10- “Hold On”
“Hold On” is so low on this list because of the unfortunate fact that it shares a name with an already all-time great wine mom anthem, “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips, a truly incredible song about making it through something you are nondescriptly dealing with already. Adele’s “Hold On” has simply no shot.
13. Track 4- “Cry Your Heart Out”
This song title is simply too on the nose. Saying the words, “Susan, can you play ‘Cry Your Heart Out’ by Adele?” would be a red-flag for anybody listening. It is basically a joke. This song title is the Saturday Night Live parody of an Adele song title. This song is only for people pretending to be wine moms, not the real thing.
11. Track 11- “To Be Loved”
Our first song with “love” in the title, “To Be Loved” has the unfortunate situation of coming right before a much more exciting love-based title in the tracklist, which means it may get lost in the shuffle. It also feels like a title that could be easily forgotten by a tipsy wine mom, who might ask for “an Adele song… the love one,” and get a love-titled song that sounds more exciting.
10. Track 9- “Woman Like Me”
“Woman Like Me” sounds ideal for a bitter, solo wine mom night. There’s a self-immolation implied in that title which just doesn’t sound like fun to listen to with a group of tipsy girlfriends. Sad can be good, but positioning that sadness on another woman is a risky business, and we’re looking for a wine mom anthem, not just a song that a wine mom could listen to.
9. Track 2- “Easy On Me”
Unfortunately, while Adele’s first single off this album is certainly getting airtime at wine mom events right now, the release of one song yet to appear on this list in particular will likely knock “Easy On Me” down a few notches. Until then, “Easy On Me” can enjoy its spot on top.
8. Track 1- “Strangers by Nature”
This song is so high because it’s the first song on the album, so if anybody says “Let’s play the new Adele” but nobody knows how to work Spotify, it’s the one that will come up first on the CD. However, it cannot be higher because it seems unlikely for any wine mom to remember the title “Strangers by Nature” otherwise.
7. Track 3- “My Little Love”
“My Little Love” is a song that could absolutely skyrocket up the rankings once the album comes out. It has the benefit of potentially being about Adele’s son, as she has said that the album is explaining her divorce to her kid. If that is the case, consider this a new top three entry, as wine moms are famously moms first. For now it’s ranked in the cautionary middle.
4. Track 6- “Can I Get It”
A truly great title, with exactly the demanding nature that a wine mom needs. Also, and this is important, imagine asking “Susan, can I get ‘Can I Get It?’” and receiving a “You sure can get it!” Rolls right off the tongue.
3. Track 12- “Love Is a Game”
An almost perfect track title for wine moms. It has the word “love” in the title, which is famously a plus. It also implies a tiredness with the charade of marriage that wine moms, divorced and undivorced, will certainly relate to. It loses a few points for being a bit too nondescript; it’s too easy to picture a mom forgetting this title for it to place in the top two.
2. Track 5- “Oh My God”
Simple and effective; absolutely nothing but net for this Adele track in the arena of wine moms. It’s one of their favorite phrases, it stands out as a title in the Adele discography and it’s fun to say. No notes!
1. Track 7- “I Drink Wine”
Evocative. Precious. Perfection. The reason for this list’s existence in the first place. A song by Adele being called “I Drink Wine” has implications so powerful that it is virtually impossible for me to even write about it. I cannot wait to hear it, and, more importantly, I cannot wait to hear it while drinking wine.