If you know anyone who is a Canadian sports fan, get them help immediately. Their life sucks right now. If you thought Red Sox or Cubs fans were suicidal, you've got to see these people. You won't see these people on the Facebook or Friendster; you'll find them in a psychiatrist's office or a house of worship. Forget a house of worship; these people probably gave up on God a long time ago.

It never used to be like this. The Toronto Blue Jays won back-to-back World Series in the early '90s. No baseball highlight reel would be complete without Joe Carter's walk-off homerun against Mitch Williams in 1993, and there was no home ballpark more packed or more feared by opponents than the SkyDome. Now, the Blue Jays, who were picked by some to make the playoffs this year, will actually finish last in the American League East for the first time since 1997.

To put this into a very sad perspective, the last time that Toronto finished last in their division, the Tigers were in the American League East, the Milwaukee Brewers were in the American League, and the Arizona Diamondbacks and Tampa Bay Devil Rays didn't exist yet. This year they finished a pathetic 33 1/2 games out of first place, behind even the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

And baseball actually used to be hopping elsewhere in Canada, like in Montreal (really, no joking). In 1981, the Expos were one win away from the World Series. In 1994, the Expos were the best team in baseball and picked by many to win the World Series. But the strike came and not only nixed their chances for victory, but led to a great exodus of players from Montreal. Then-owner Claude Brochu invested nothing in the team and drove it into the ground. That 1994 team consisted of Moises Alou, Larry Walker, Marquis Grissom, Ken Hill, Pedro Martinez and John Wettland, all of whom were either let go via free agency or traded for cheap prospects.

A few years ago they again challenged for a playoff berth and made late-season trades for Bartolo Colon and Cliff Floyd before falling off the pace and trading Floyd away. They have lost huge names they couldn't afford to keep including Vladimir Guerrero, Javier Vazquez, Andres Galarraga and Ugeth Urbina. They once had Milton Bradley, Carl Pavano and a young lefty named Randy Johnson, but they, too, were traded away. Tim Raines, Gary Carter and Andre Dawson all starred for the Expos. But after this season, after being owned by the other 29 teams for two years, the Expos will move to Washington, D.C. and definitely have a new name and a new identity.

It was ironic that 1994 seemed to be the year that baseball left Canada because it was the year that professional basketball arrived. That year the Toronto Raptors and the Vancouver Grizzlies became the newest members of the NBA. The Grizzlies were never good but then moved to Memphis where they promptly became good, making the playoffs last year as a surprise sixth seed in the West.

Toronto, on the other hand, had shown signs of being a good team. Under the direction of General Manager Isaiah Thomas (now with the New York Knicks), the Raptors became a respectable team led by Damon Stoudamire and Marcus Camby. Thomas left in 1997 to take a broadcasting job, and those guys left, too. In 1999 they had the Rookie of the Year and an up-and-coming blockbuster star in Vince Carter, and he helped them reach the playoffs and earn respect around the league. But, due to his injuries, the team has been abysmal the past two seasons and Carter now wants out of Toronto.

Canadians have always had hockey to fall back on in these tough times. The Montreal Canadiens and the Toronto Maple Leafs are two of hockey's most storied franchises. Ottawa and Vancouver both have been great teams in the NHL the past couple of seasons. And Calgary was one win away from winning the Stanley Cup last season. Edmonton has lots of history with some of the greatest teams of all time.

But none of that matters now because hockey is taking a break that will make the time until new Family Guy episodes seem like nothing. And, unlike Family Guy, the NHL can't rely on reruns, DVD sales or an upcoming movie to make people happy. The NHL was once near the top of the pro-sports world when Super Mario, the Messiah and the Great One were in their primes. Mario Lemieux and the Penguins were the toast of hockey,

Mark Messier brought the Rangers their first Stanley cup since 1940 and Wayne Gretzky, disguised as a skinny figure skater who wouldn't make Screech or Urkel scared, broke every major offensive record that the NHL ever had.

Since then, hockey moved out of Quebec City and Winnipeg to Colorado and Phoenix, respectively. The year after the Nordiques moved the Avalanche won a Stanley Cup. And after winning a World Cup of Hockey that drew in ratings worse than BTV, Canadians have nothing.

This is a sad time for Canadians. It started with South Park, but it has just grown into an easy trend: "Blame Canada." They're given a couple of sporting teams and one whole sport but they just can't handle it. Now the Expos are gone and hockey is as dead as snap bracelets and troll dolls. So, Canadians have nothing to look forward to sports-wise. That is, until 2006 and curling is in the Olympics. But until then, it's going to be a long, hard, sad time for all those Canadian sports fans.