A message for the first-years who didn't test out of their foreign language requirement: Now that you're in college, the rest of the world couldn't care less about how you were captain of your debate team in high school, scored a 770 on the verbal section of your SATs and how your grandmother's friends say you "speak so well." When it comes to a language other than English, you probably don't know Jacques. But don't fret just because your lingual dexterity puts you one notch above mute. You are not alone. Countless freshmen-and upperclassmen who have deferred the inevitable-will fill the rosters of introductory-level language courses this year, some resuming study of a language learned in high school and others starting fresh.

In either case, choosing a language is an important decision, and one you should make with careful thought and consideration. If you're not loving your current language course or waiting until spring to start one, now-while we're still in the shopping period-is the time to scope out some of the offerings.

Arabic

Arabic has more cachet at Brandeis right now than a flask of mysterious alcohol at a keg party. It's very hot for students with the guts to take a language with an entirely different alphabet, one spoken in countries maligned daily on editorial pages and around office water coolers.

And you can't beat that full-bodied, guttural sound heard from Brooklyn to Beirut. Unfortunately, colloquial Arabic (the language people actually speak throughout the Arab world) includes numerous dialects, some of which are mutually unintelligible. So taking Arabic at Brandeis - literary Arabic - might help you to read the Koran or watch Al-Jazeera, but who knows how far it'll take you on camelback.

French

In the newest "Matrix" installment, the Merovingian, a baddie with a continental accent, likened cursing in French to "wiping your ass with silk." He then gave a woman an orgasm from 20 feet away. Don't expect your French to be this potent-at least not at first.

It's the contrast of the sweet-sounding and the officiously nasal that makes this snobbish tongue the language of choice for aloof intelligentsia everywhere. As such, your Francophonic aspirations might come off as being a bit stuck up.

German

What I love about German is its brusqueness; even a marriage proposal sounds like an imperative command. There's a word for almost every idea in German, but most are about five miles long and impossible to spell like "unregelmN??ig," which, for the record, means "unusual." And if Goethe, Kafka and Freud aren't calling, maybe Munich, Berlin and Vienna are.

Hebrew

I think Hebrew sounds a bit like Klingon but girls tell me that guys who speak it are very sexy. This might be something to remember. As for the converse, I tend to believe that guys find girls sexy in any language.

The Hebrew department at Brandeis is very popular and it seems like everyone and his brother speak a bit here - or want to. I'm told even beginner-level classes are filled with students with some background in Hebrew. The extreme novice should keep this in mind when choosing classes, as learning just the alphabet may take weeks, and chances are your class won't wait up for you.

Given that so many people speak Hebrew here, taking it is almost like conforming. It infuriates me to see Hebrew messages written on the white boards of dorms across campus. It's like a secret society of which I am not a member. Plus, it eliminates my nosy inquiries into people's personal messages while traipsing through residence halls.

Greek and Latin

Classical languages have a steep learning curve but you don't have to worry about speaking them-no one does! Beware that the classics tend to breed students who care more about Hobbits and Role Playing Games than reading Virgil. At the same time, no other languages give you a better sense of the etymologies of the words we use today and their meanings. Whether your heart lies with the sciences or the humanities, you really can't go wrong with Greek or Latin.

Italian

I just love this robust language with its cascading consonants and sharply accented syllables: min-AY-strO-NAY, scall-O-PEE-NEE. It says to me, "I can be a glutton and still have sex appeal." The most flavorful of the romance languages is also one of the most difficult to learn. But isn't that facing page of "The Inferno" just dying to be read the way Dante wrote it? Isn't it calling your name? No? OK. Then aren't you just dying to go to Italy and have some min-AY-strO-NAY?

Russian

It's terrible that the Cold War has ingrained in us this sinister conception of the Russian language aided by years of Hollywood movies. If someone said to you in Russian today, "I'm going to go down the street for a loaf of bread," you would likely assume they've just relayed some sinister plot to take over the world, or, at the very least, the order to launch torpedoes.

Spanish

The big downer with EspaSol is its popularity. If you're planning on taking the language that everybody took in high school because you took it as well, then don't. But Spanish shouldn't be ragged on because it seems like a clich course selection. There's a reason it's so popular: 250 million people, some of whom are our neighbors, speak it.

Yiddish

Yiddish has shock appeal. If you live for the "I shit you not" rebuff, this might be the tongue for you. As with Hebrew, I give super bonus points for non-Jews who wish to take an essentially Jewish language, a hybrid of Hebrew and German. Also, by studying Yiddish you might be doing your part in saving it from extinction. People will still be speaking Spanish in 100 years with or without you.

My only warning: A biseleh of Yiddish might help color your English, but let's get real. You'll be taking three semesters of this farkuckt language.