You try your luck at the makeshift bar but its 12:30 a.m. and they seem to be out of refreshments. You decide to hit the dance floor, but the music is barely audible in fear of the RA down the hall. What better way to pass the minutes at such a fabulous Brandeis party then pick up a few girls? This Brandeis stud parts through the sea of curly haired brunettes. As he approaches the lone blonde at the party, he is armed only with his good looks, stunning wit, waitlist letter from Harvard, and of course, Gabe Fischbarg's "The Guide to Picking up Girls." He busts out the cell phone and punches her digits into memory. He says her name a few times as the conversation flows. Her friend introduced them, so he can't be that sketchy. She catches a glimpse of him applying Chap Stick on her way back from the ladies room. On her return he flashes a beautiful smile.

So why doesn't she return his calls?

"No guy looks cool putting on Chap Stick," says Fischbarg. Ah, the one fatal mistake. This guy did everything right, or so it seemed. Fischbarg has transformed the art of charming a woman into a science. Picking up a girl is a delicate formula requiring all the right variables at the right temperature -- preferably measured in HOT.

The book begins by explaining that all men want to establish and lay a "good rap." A rap is the right attitude, persona and dialogue -- the package deal. All the advice in the book is aimed at helping readers establish the master rap, so fundamental to picking up a girl. Fischbarg begins with a warning of sorts -- this is not a dating book. And listen to him when he tells you this, because some of the less honorable techniques in this book would not cut it past the first date, if even that.

Now please note the smooth moves of our young Brandeis specimen from above. The cell phone is a great way to casually get her number, without having to worry about your pen cracking in your pocket, spreading ink all over your favorite khaki pants. No more scrambling for a cocktail napkin or trying to decipher smudged digits on your palm. The few technologically primitive guys out there better call their local cell phone provider.

Learn the girl's name and use it in the conversation. This is a good piece of advice. But beware of overusing a girl's name, as this can prove a bit creepy, "So, Rachel what did you say you were majoring in? You know, Rachel, I was thinking about Economics as well, but instead, Rachel, I decided on Politics." And for those of you who have memory problems, Fischbarg offers little tricks to help remember a girl's name. "Prudy Judy" or "Luscious Liz". Now this may be helpful, but it is not necessarily the kind of advice I would pay $12 for.

Also, I wouldn't recommend gauging a girl's desire to kiss you by the "texture change" in her lips. Most likely this is just an indication of her need to reapply some lip gloss. I wonder how a man would even notice such a texture change. If he was looking that close at my lips he wouldn't last long enough to kiss them. It doesn't take Casanova to figure out that when a girl is licking her lips she is thinking favorably of a guy. But then again, that lip gloss could be watermelon or strawberry flavor. She may just want sweet compensation for the flavorless conversation being provided by the lip-looking fellow in front of her.

You are better off looking at her breasts then her eyes. Don't make eye contact; it's not that important. Really. You don't have to believe me, read it on page 82. Although he does not actually recommend looking at girls' breasts, Gabe does express that the importance of eye contact is a myth. Did he observe this or ask a woman about this? Because every lady I have ever spoken to claims otherwise.

I must admit that at the mention of "props and games" in chapter two I got a bit nervous, my eyebrows rose and my head repelled backwards by the inappropriate associations that came to my mind . It is a bit early in the game for such kinkiness. But fear not ladies (and men), put away your whips (save them for later) and listen close.

Mardi Gras beads.

As many a frat boy has found, Mardi Gras beads are the key to being the life of the party. It's not our obsession with jewelry. But I admit that such a "prop" could potentially enhance flirting possibilities.

He also tells men to have confidence and set high standards. If one pretty girl rejects you, move on to the next. And "if there are no other pretty girls, then you are in the wrong place that night." I hate to but I have to say it: welcome to Brandeis. In the Brandeis edition of this book I think our friend Gabe would recommend another prop, goggles.

Thankfully, Gabe is sympathetic to the problems of the female population, warning men that there may be barriers and she may have a legitimate reason for not being in a "good flirty mood." There are nights other then "that time of the month" when we aren't in the mood for some drooling fool to practice his "rap" on us. This is true.

So what do woman want? From Sigmund Freud to Mel Gibson, you men have pondered the question for all of existence. But now you can save your thoughts for Chem lab, and put your trust in "The Guide to Picking Up Girls." Apparently we like tough guys with confidence. But gentlemen, before putting total faith in Fischbarg's 136 pages of advice and "proven techniques," I would warn you to be skeptical of any book that features female cleavage and a martini glass on the front cover.